


Clarity

by clairexsirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, F/M, Hogwarts Fifth Year
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:02:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29707209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clairexsirius/pseuds/clairexsirius
Summary: (This is also on wattpad under the username: inkymoon_)When Ron dumped Dana Bennett at the end of her 4th year, she thought her world would end. That summer, Dana and Draco began writing to each other and she thought things were beginning to turn around. She hopes that this year at Hogwarts she can gain clarity and understanding about the things around her.**In progress!!!!
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Original Female Character(s), Ron Weasley/Original Female Character(s)





	1. Chapter 1

* disclaimer - Voldemort does not exist in this story and anyone who died at his hands/supporters hands are alive *

I stood on Platform 9 ¾ for the fifth time in my life.

I could feel the excitement and chaos building up that comes with standing there. There were parents running like mad, racing after their children to say their goodbyes, their warnings, or with something they've forgotten. As usual, the first years, whose wide eyes gave them away and the second years, acting they've found all the answers to life's questions. And of course, the seventh years, who look both excited and bored at the same time.

My parents had dropped me off at King's Cross parking lot, given me a wave and a kiss and left. I had trudged myself towards the special platform alone, again. I spotted the Weasley's and Mrs. Weasley even offered me a small smile. Ron turned away icily. I looked away, feeling guilty and sad.

We had dated for about a year and a half, and it had all blown up in our faces after a huge argument during May. It had been about 3 months, but clearly the feelings were still as cold as they were the day we had said goodbye. Every now and then I get horrible pains of longing and loneliness.

My brunette hair was blowing slightly in the breeze and I drew my cardigan closer to me. I grabbed my bags a little tighter by the handle, and made sure the locks on my owl cage were tight. I had a brown tawny owl named Pip, whom I loved very much. 

A small child, I presumed a first year, raced past me and I was quickly reminded as to why I was standing on a train platform. I scrambled on the train and walked past all these compartments, while looking for a comfortable seat. I walked past Harry, Hermione, Neville and... Ron. I tried to speed past their compartment, hoping to avoid questions and interaction. 

"Oh Dana, hello! How was your summer?" Hermione asked, snagging me.

I winced and slowly turned around, as I had been trying to avoid this encounter. "Good thanks. Yours?" I returned, now standing in the doorway of where they were sitting. God this is so awkward now.

"Oh, you know the usual." Hermione said, clearly oblivious to the fact that she had placed me in an awkward situation, but went on to describe her packed summer, spent traipsing all over Europe. I had zoned out and now stood awkwardly looking at my shoes in the doorway, imagining all the good seats that are now filling up.

I looked up for a moment, and met Ron's eyes. I quickly turned away and rushed away without another word. I felt bad running off, without a word, but I think I would start crying if I stood there one minute longer. I sat down in a random seat in an empty compartment at the very back of the train. I tried to push back the tears now building in my eyes. This is the first time I had seen Ron since we left Hogwarts in June. I missed him. I felt another depressive wave coming over me. I heard footsteps coming and quickly wiped my eyes off, pretending to look for something in my bag. If there's something I hate more than myself, it's crying in public. 

"Well, well." said a familiar voice.

I looked up and it was Draco. I groan. "Draco, now what? Please just leave if you're here to harass me."

He shrugged. "Am I supposed to be doing something else? How was your summer holiday?" He laughed facetiously. 

I look around, expecting to see Crabbe and Goyle right next to him. "Wait a minute. Where are your henchmen?" I asked suspiciously.

He shrugged again. "Doing the rounds by myself. They're knocked out cold in our compartment from eating too much." He put on a serious face. "Now answer my question."

I rolled my eyes. "Draco, I think you know how my summer went. You were there for half of it."

"Oh I know. And what fun we had Dana." Looking over his shoulder, and seeing someone, he turned back and said, "Well, see you in school!" As he turned to leave hastily from where I was sitting, he mockingly blew a kiss in my direction. I rolled my eyes again. He sped off in a haste, leaving me alone once again.

I let my tears run freely now. I looked out the window as rain lightly started to fall. I scooted over closer towards the window and laid my head down on it.

_It was May. I was sitting outside in one of the chairs on the grass near the lake. I was reading a book and could sense someone walking near me. I looked over and it was Ron. I smiled and he waved at me, but not with the usual warmth and care. Immediately I sensed something was off. My stomach dropped and my smile wavered._

_"Hello." I offered, but he kept walking towards me, his head down._

__

_As he stood near me, he looked quite angry and upset, his hands in his pockets._

____

_I stammered,"Is.. is everything okay?" I said slowly, scared for the response._

____He paused. "Actually no. I came here to talk to you about it." Hastily, he added, "I think I want to break up."_ _ _ _

______ _ _

_I leapt up, shocked. "What?! Ron- what??"_

_______ _ _ _

_"I'm sorry, It's just that little things have been bothering me for a while and I think it's time that I address it."_

________ _ _ _ _

_"Ron, listen to yourself, 'little things' is it worth breaking up for? Can't we just simply talk it out? Are you being too drastic?" I said hysterically, trying to avoid heartbreak and saving our relationship._

_________ _ _ _ _ _

_He took a deep breath. "Well, it's sort of bothering me how everyone flirts with you, and tries to make moves on you, even though they know you're in a relationship. It just makes me a little suspicious how everyone thinks you're open-"_

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

_I cut him off, astounded. "Ron. What? That's not my fault and you know that. How the fuck am I supposed to control that? And if you had paid attention, I always shut down the advances because I am not looking to date anyone else but you."_

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_He continued, ignoring my rebuttals. "And there's just other little things that have been building up." Running his hand through his hair now._

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_"Um... First of all, what the fuck? I think there's something else going on here and you're too afraid to speak up about it. Because as far am I know, we were fine yesterday! What is going on? Are you under a curse?"I'm so shocked about what he is saying, it's hard to believe this is real._

_____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_He shook his head "no", and jammed his hands in his pockets, looking anywhere but at me. I was shocked. This had come out of nowhere. I felt shell-shocked, like someone had punched the air out of my lungs. My heart was racing, I refused to believe this was real._

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_He came a little closer and offered me a small, sad smile. "I am sorry Dana. I hope we can still be friends."_

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_I laughed. "I don't. Good riddance." I turned around, and sat back down in the chair and pretended to go back to work, acting unbothered. Inside, a storm was brewing and I was scared to unleash it. I eventually heard him turn around and head back to the castle._

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_I hoped that Peeves would do something horrible to him, just out of spite. Once he was completely gone from view, I finally broke down._

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_I sobbed for ages in that chair and thought for a very long time. I had no idea what just occurred. Where did that come from? I ran over every single moment from the past 2 months, searching for a reason for this break up. I couldn't think of anything. And that honestly just made it worse. Maybe I was a horrible person who deserved this I thought dimly._

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A knock on the train door startled me from my thoughts. My eyes flew open and I looked around, forgetting I was on the train. I looked at who it was. Ron. My stomach dropped and I my hands felt clammy. 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Oh, hello." I said weakly, highly aware that my face was now streaked with tears and mascara. He had a sad sort of face, sorry that he had interrupted me. 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I'm sorry, is this not a good time?" He said, already backing up. 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

As much as I wanted him to leave, I also craved his presence. "Never as good a time as the present. Sit." I held my hand out, ushering him into the seat across from me.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He sat there awkwardly, fiddling with his hands. "How are you doing?" He said softly.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Well, judging by the tears coming out of my eyes, I'm not going to lie, life could definitely be better right now. How are you holding up?"

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He shrugged. "Same as you I guess. I just wanted to say that I really do hope that there is no bad blood between us. Because I meant what I said that day. I do want to be friends with you Dana."

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"There could never be bad blood between us. I will always care for you, you know that. The thought of a comforting friend right now sounds really nice."

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He smiled. "I missed you. Why don't you come and sit with the rest of us. It's quite lonely back here." 

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"That's the point Ronald." He laughed. "I'll just gather up my stuff and meet you guys in a couple minutes."

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He got up, and headed back to the others. I felt a couple tears roll down my cheek. I haven't talked to him in months. It was bittersweet in a way, talking to my ex-boyfriend, my first love, about moving on. But it felt like a weight was released, moving on and allowing ourselves to look forward. I think it'll be awhile until we're back to what we used to be, but for now, this was all I needed.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I gathered my stuff and walked down the aisle, towards their compartment. I slid open the door and they all looked up towards me. I felt an anxious twist in my stomach.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hermione looked at me, and with a satisfied smile on her face said, "Ah, hello Dana! We were just getting all our stuff ready, we're really close. Why don't you sit down?"

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I sat down, and felt a warm feeling melt over me. I was back. I looked around at Ron, Harry, Hermione, Neville and Luna. How I missed them after all this time. After Ron and I had broken up, the group was never the same. But it felt so nice to be back, laughing and smiling with all of them. I had a good feeling things were starting to turn around.

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	2. chapter 2

"Look!! Look! There it is!" Harry shouted, pointing out the window towards Hogwarts. I turned and looked out the window. No matter how many times I did this, I was still as excited as I did the first time I saw the castle. It was still slightly raining, but not very much, providing a very nice magical, rainy feeling. 

The castle loomed high up on the rocks and I could see all the little lights dotted along the turrets and the big windows in the Great Hall. I felt the excitement brimming in my chest, excited to be home. Because this was my real home, not that awful house I called "home", filled with horrible memories and trauma.

I felt guilty hating my home, because it's not like my parents were evil or abusive, it was hard to explain. I felt guilty because they provided me with this great home and great life, and it's not like I'm oppressed or anything, people have it much worse than me. So why did I feel this way?

Before I could slip back into my depressive thoughts, I was interrupted by Hermione exclaiming that we had arrived at the station.

"I can't wait to see all our teachers! I wonder how Professor McGonagall is? Oh I can't wait to see Professor Lupin too!" Hermione rambled on.

"My mum said that 5th year was the worst year. All those O.W.L.s to take. How ever will me manage?" Harry groaned.

"Yea, I have to live up to _Percy _. Oh well, at least I have Fred and George that were a disappointment." Ron grumbled, looking over his shoulder to see if anyone had heard that last remark.__

__"Oh come on guys, think of all the other basketcases that have passed through! You are so much smarter than them." I said._ _

__Ron replied, "Easy for you to say Dana. You and Hermione are nutters. Studying for hours. Ha, couldn't be me!"_ _

__Hermione interrupted them from continuing. "Oh enough! Will you two stop bickering? And Ron, we're prefects, did you forget? We have to help the first years! Hurry up."_ _

__Ron and Hermione continued ahead of us, leaving Harry and I behind, as Neville and Luna had somehow managed to get swept up in a rush of second years._ _

__"Gosh I can't wait to see the common room again. I wonder what Hogwarts looks when it's all empty?" Harry said while we climbed into a carriage. "I think I would break into Snape's room and trash the place for him to find it." He laughed at this thought._ _

__"Oooh I know! Since it's our fifth year, maybe now we'll get invited to parties. I've always wanted to go to the legendary Slytherin parties."_ _

__"Oh, yeah... yeah." Harry said, distracted by something. Or someone, I thought, as I followed his gaze towards Cho._ _

__"Fancy her much?" I mockingly, as we all knew he had a massive crush on her._ _

__He looked back at me. "Oh... erm... yeah."_ _

__I laughed. "Just ask her out! She's so sweet and I've heard nice things about her. Too bad she's so good at Quidditch, that might get awkward."_ _

__"Maybe I will. Does anyone fancy your eye?"_ _

__Before I had the chance to respond, thankfully Ron, Hermione, Neville and Luna climbed into the carriage. I didn't want to tell Harry that someone did have my eye. Draco and I had corresponded all summer long, by owl and sometimes meeting up. I didn't know if he was using me, or genuinely interested in me. Sometimes it felt like he was only talking to me to spite and get the best of Ron, but sometimes there were rare occasions where he felt genuine. It was all so confusing and I didn't know what to make of it. Hopefully this school year I can figure all my shit out._ _

__"Dana? I asked you a question." Harry said._ _

__"What? Oh, I'm sorry I kind of zoned out for a minute. What did you say?"_ _

__"I asked if you had brought any Muggle devices with you. I know you like to bring them with you."_ _

__"Oh yeah! I brought this music device, it's called a CD player." I grabbed it out of my trunk, showing it to them. "I put this disc in, see, it contains music on it, and then pop it in the player and the music plays from it."_ _

__"Brilliant." Ron said. "The things Muggles invent! Quite underrated if you ask me. Where'd you get this one?"_ _

__"I went into London and went to a music store and purchased some good things. I'm almost 90 percent sure that one of the owners is a wizard because I'm almost certain I saw a wand sticking out of his sweater. But that's neither here nor there. I can't wait for you guys to listen to it."_ _

__\--_ _

__As we got out of the carriage, there stood the massive doors that led into Hogwarts. Home. I placed my bags down, making my way into the Great Hall. I saw that Draco was already seated and looked his way. We happened to make direct eye contact and he winked at me. I smiled at him and felt my heart flutter. No one else had seen it, so maybe he wasn't doing it out of spite or a show? I groaned, this was so hard. Why did boys have to be so confusing?_ _

__At the table, it was nice seeing all the familiar faces again. Waving to Fred and George Weasely, I smiled at the thought of all the end-of-year-pranks they would play this year. I would hate to be their enemy. Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan, already discussing Quidditch and new prospects for their favorite teams, Lavender Brown and Parvarti Patil discussing their summers. Nearly Headless Nick was floating around, scaring people by flying through them. I smiled warmly, it was nice to be back._ _

__"Greetings, greetings." Dumbledore said, silencing us immediately. McGonagall had brought out the Sorting Hat and the first years stood, anxious and curious._ _

__I remembered my first year, when I had stood exactly where they now stand, anxious and excited all at once, desperate for a new life. I had wished so fondly to fit in, I think back to that young girl, so fragile and unaware._ _

__I was talking with Ron, Hermione and Harry, all of us fondly remembering our Sorting Hat days._ _

__"I was certain I was going to be placed in Ravenclaw!" Hermione said. I agreed with her, she is much more a Ravenclaw, but is definitely still a good fit for Gryffindor too._ _

__I thought I was going to be placed into Slytherin because of my natural want for appreciation and power, wanting status. But the Hat had placed me into Gryffindor._ _

__"Students. Another year, students gone and students welcomed. And so things continue on. To our fifth and seventh year students: good luck on your exams this year. We raise our glasses to you. As usual, the Forbidden Forest is off limits. Dig in!"_ _

__With a flourish, food appeared on the table immediately and my stomach growled. I didn't know what to reach for first. I grabbed a plate of beef stew and a biscuit with a side of beans. My glass was filled with pumpkin juice._ _

__"Pssst. Potter!" Draco hissed with a familiar smirk on his face._ _

__Harry turned around, rolling his eyes. "What do you want Malfoy?" He sneered. "Can we give it a break at least for tonight? It hasn't even been a full 2 hours."_ _

__"Can you pass this note to your friend?" He nodded his head towards me and turned back around, with no acknowledgement of me._ _

__Harry snatched and written on the envelope was my name, scrawled in Draco's familiar writing. My stomach was full of butterflies as I took it from Harry's hand. Everyone around looked at me with a mixture of disgust and curiosity. I looked up, across the table, but Draco's back was still turned._ _

__"Well, what is it?" Ron asked, much more eager to see it than the others. A small part of me hoped that he was jealous, and I immediately felt guilty for thinking that._ _

__I opened it carefully, scared it might be a prank of some sort._ _

__"Come on, we haven't had all night." Fred said in anticipation._ _

__I rolled my eyes and laughed. "Oh, so now you pay attention to me?"_ _

__He shrugged. I opened the letter and pulled it closer to me, away from peering eyes, just in case. It read:_ _

__Slytherin Welcome Back Party_ _

__Invite only - no unwanted riffraff allowed_ _

__**Slytherin Dungeons 10 pm** _ _

__**Make absolutely sure you do NOT get caught** _ _

__**See you there - D** _ _

__A smile spread across my face. The last part was his familiar scrawl that had written to me all summer long._ _

__"Can we see?" Harry asked._ _

__"Oh, alright. It's an invite to the Slytherin welcome back party." Their faces lit up with hope and excitement. "It's invite only. I'm sorry guys I wish you could come, I'll be all alone. It'll be quite lonely actually." Their faces fell._ _

__George pretended to cry. "Oh woe is you! You'll be all alone at the best event of the year! Will you ever recover?" He mocked himself fainting in a big show._ _

__I glared at him "Not funny. You know what I mean."_ _

__"You're always welcome to come party with us lame Gryffindors. I guess we can spare a extra cake or two." Fred replied._ _

__"Well nevermind all of you, I think Dana will have a lovely time. It's not her fault she made connections and you didn't." Hermione said._ _

__"What's with this cavalier attitude? Aren't you upset you can't go make out with some guy?" Ron retorted. He went back to his food, clearly done with this conversation._ _

__"This ' _cavalier attitude _' is because I'm invited too. Blaise Zabini invited me earlier as we got off the carriage."___ _

____I looked up excitedly from my food, "Oh Hermione that's awesome! We should leave soon to get ready-"_ _ _ _

____Just as we said that, Dumbledore stood up. "Here, here! Welcome to Hogwarts my dear students. As we embark on another year, I wish you clarity and understanding to you all. Sometimes the thing we are looking for always ends up right in front of us.Prefects lead the way to the dormitories please."_ _ _ _

____Immediately chaos broke out, with prefects shouting and pointing, people standing up and charging ahead. I followed Ron and Hermione as they went about their way, leading us to the dorm. As we all went through the portrait hole, I felt a sense of calm wash over me._ _ _ _

____Standing in the common room, memories came flooding back and I felt so happy being back. I smiled as everyone wandered off, checking their dorms. Fred and George were already busting out drinks and food for their party. I looked over at Hermione and we made eye contact, both going back to our rooms. Up the staircase and in the room, I finally let out a big breath. Just like Dumbledore said, clarity and understanding. I was home and wouldn't be going back for a couple months. I smiled._ _ _ _

____"What dress are you wearing? I just don't know what to wear!" Hermione said._ _ _ _

____"I brought along a lot of dresses, thank goodness we're invited. It would've been such a waste of space to have them sit there, untouched. Here, let me see what I have." I opened my trunk and out popped compartments that were stuffed in there. I had my mother use a spell to make the trunk have more space and it was much bigger inside than it looked on the outside._ _ _ _

____"Oh this is lovely." She pulled out a dress that was solid black and had black-tinted mesh sleeves. It was a tight dress, reaching mid-thigh and really showed off curves. It would look amazing on her._ _ _ _

____"Hermione, you have to wear that. You would absoluety look so fucking good. I swear if you don't wear that I'll riot."_ _ _ _

____Our roommate, Adelle, walked in and squealed. "Guys!! I missed you so much!" Inspecting the dresses, she continued, "Are you going to a party tonight?! Where?"_ _ _ _

____"The Slytherin one!" Me and Hermione had been roommates with Adelle since our first year and were quite close with her. She went over to her bed and plopped down on it._ _ _ _

____The dorm was a circular room, since we were up in one of the turrets. There were 3 of us in here, with a closet separating each bed. In the middle of the room was a circular table that had 3 chairs at it. It had 3 mirrors, creating a triangle of 3 mirrors that each of us could use. My section of the table was clean right now, but as the year progressed it always got messy. Hermione's was always tidy and neat, and Adelle's was just pure mess. While mine gets messy, I always know where each item is. Most of the time anyway._ _ _ _

____I break out my CD player, and Hermione and Adelle come over to look at it. I take out one of the CDs I own and put it in. "So this CD is Nirvana, one of my favorite rock bands and let me pick a track." Music comes out of the player and Adelle looks at it amazed, because she is a pureblood, and has never seen Muggle inventions. Hermoine, of course, was very used to this and was not fazed in the least._ _ _ _

____I crank the volume and start to unpack. I brought with me 3 different party dresses and 2 pairs of heels. I had a feeling that after talking to Draco over the summer he would invite me and had packed dresses. Plus, with all the room I had in my trunk, it was no bother. I had also heard humors that after last year's Yule Ball, since it was such a success, they were going to hold another ball, this time in the spring though. That thought was an exciting prospect because I didn't go last year, of course, being too young and all. This year, supposedly, they would invite 4th years and above, so they had to move it to spring to have an outdoor area. So I had packed a ball gown just in case._ _ _ _

____"Dana, what are you wearing to the party?" Hermione asked, coming back from the bathroom with her dress on. "Oh, I feel ridiculous in this. Do you think it's too much?" She walked over to our mirror, spinning around and checking it out._ _ _ _

____I gasped. "Hermione yes! It's so gorgeous on you! Oh my goodness, keep it. If Blaise isn't drooling by the end of the night, then I don't know what to say."_ _ _ _

____She blushed and sat down at the makeup vanity, as we named it. She got out her makeup bag from her trunk and began to apply it to her face. I rummaged around my trunk and took out the 2 remaining dresses. One was a tight green dress with a spaghetti strap, it had an excess of fabric around the chest area, creating a sort of "u" shape with the fabric. The other one was rose pink and was also spaghetti straps. This one had a hip slit on one side, revealing a bit of thigh._ _ _ _

____I weighed both options and decided to wear the pink one, to go opposite of what the Slytherin color is. Just to spite them all and stand out. I checked the invitation again, making sure there was no dress code required. I slip the dress on, looking in our standing mirror we propped up against a wall._ _ _ _

____Putting my heels on, I felt my confidence soar. I felt hot, which was rare. I applied my makeup and made sure it looked perfect. This could be my only chance to go, because, knowing myself, I would fuck something up along the way._ _ _ _

____"What time are we coming back? I don't want to be getting back too late." Hermione asked._ _ _ _

____"I was thinking like around midnight. That's pretty good, 2 hours."_ _ _ _

____She nodded. "What's our safe word? And let's agree to stay close to each other. You know what those Slytherins are like."_ _ _ _

____I nodded. "Safe word... hmm... let me think. How about textbook? That's easy to slip into a conversation and doesn't raise too many questions. And I'm pretty sure it's not going to come up in natural conversation."_ _ _ _

____"Oh that's good. Are you planning on drinking?"_ _ _ _

____"I don't think so. Maybe one drink, something like that. But no, it would be a bad impression showing up the first day to classes hungover and sick. It would be so obvious that we were partying, what else could have us that sick?"_ _ _ _

____She nodded. "Agreed. Are you ready?"_ _ _ _

____"Yea, just one second." I checked myself in the mirror one last time and grabbed my school robes to cover myself up. Hermione took my cue and grabbed hers. "I think we should ask Harry if we can borrow his Invisibility Cloak. I would hate to be the one who got caught. How embarrassing."_ _ _ _

____"Oh yes, that's a good idea. I'll go down and ask." And with that, we were off to our very first Hogwarts party._ _ _ _


	3. chapter 3

Joining with Hermione in the common room, the party was still raging on and Fred and George were as wild as ever. I guessed that they were most certainly not sober. God, they looked so hot right now. Honestly, I would let them do anything to me, but it would be a bit awkward seeing as I dated their brother. Spotting Ron sitting on the couch eating cake all alone made my heart twist. If we were still together, I would be right there with him, not traipsing off to a Slytherin party. I quickly cast those thoughts away, because they were harmful and didn't quite help. And anyway, _he_ broke up with _me_. He knew what he was getting into when he did that. Harry came down the stairs with the cloak in his hands and handed it to Hermione.

He hesitantly handed Hermione the cloak. "Be. Careful. I swear on my life, if something happens to this I'll let Filch get you." Harry warned.

"Alright, alright. We get it, now let us leave." Hermione said. 

We stepped out and I felt my stomach drop. "This is it!" I whispered to Hermione as she slipped the cloak over us. We snuck quietly towards the dungeons and fortunately didn't pass anyone. As we got closer, I could see a couple more people sneaking their way down. Just before we turned the corner to the dorm, she slipped the cloak off and we took off our robes.

I presented my invitation to Crabbe, who was manning the door. I found a small spot right near the entrance and stuffed the cloak and our robes in. I looked up and my jaw dropped. The dungeons looked _sick_. The music was blaring and there were green light orbs floating around. Other than that, there was no source of light. It was dark and mysterious, but that added to the magic of these parties. Hermione saw Blaise and said goodbye to me.

I was now alone. I grabbed a bottle of beer and walked around the perimeters of the party, drinking it all in and searching for Draco. There were people dancing, kissing, and doing drugs, just the usual party clamor. There was a couch and a table and there were lines all over the table of some substance, which I guess was coke. Right in the middle of it all was Adrian Pucey, who looked so hot sitting on the coach, commanding the attention of all the girls around him. He waved at me, and I waved back, quite sure he didn't know I existed.

The music traveled through my body and I felt my pulse beating along to the music. I tried looking for Draco, but I couldn't see him. I felt a wave of anxiety, fearing that he was with another girl and forgot about me. I decided that while I'm here, I might as well enjoy myself.

There was a chair in a far corner, and I decided that it looked perfect. I sat down, feeling sad that yet again, I'm let down. This is Draco we're talking about. Why did I expect anything else? God, I felt like a fool. I closed my eyes and took a long drink from my bottle. The sadness was quickly taken over my anger. How fucking dare he invite me and forget about-

"Better not drink too much Bennett, I heard it's bad for you." Draco drawled, standing over me and holding his beer can up, jokingly. I laughed and I felt bad for thinking that he would abandon me. 

"Come dance." He held his hand out and I grabbed out, my spirits high once again. He placed his can down on the table next to the chair, and as he leaned close, I could smell his cologne. It smelled amazing and I immediately thought of those summer days. 

We joined the mass of people dancing and jumping around. A highly electric song came on and I felt a rush of energy come over me. Draco looked so fucking hot in the green light, jumping around, getting a little sweaty, with a smile on his face. _This_ was the Draco that people didn't see. I hate that he never shows it, but I'm so glad that I get to see this rare glimpse of a real boy, having fun.

He grabs my face and kisses me. It's a wild kiss, with passion and fire behind it. The music blasts on, and I kiss him back, with all the passion I can muster. My heart goes wild and his lips feel so natural against mine. It's so very different from Ron, whose kisses were sweet and short, not fiery and desperate like Draco's. I put my hands in his hair, not wanting to ever move from this spot. I could kiss him until the end of time and not even care.

"Come on, follow me." He grabbed my hand again and led me away from the music, towards the dorms. My heart was racing, both from his kiss and anticipation as to what was about to happen. I didn't know if I was ready to have sex. Yet alone, with Draco. It was no secret he was Hogwart's fuck boy, and I was scared to disappoint. At the same time, that thought excited me. Imagine getting to say that Draco Malfoy took your virginity. There was something so hot about that.

I was aware that those thoughts were probably toxic and harmful, but it's ok. As long as I was happy though right? 

He led me to a room and opened the door for me. I entered tentatively. The same green orbs that were out in the common area, were in here. There was a full moon tonight and it shone through the water of the lake into the room. He stood in the center, fiddling with his watch. The light shone through his white blonde hair, creating a glow that looked ethereal.

Breaking the silence, Draco said, "I missed you. I missed the fun that we had all summer." 

"Agreed. Sneaking around with you felt so natural." I said back. "You kept me sane all summer thank you."

"I'm going to be honest, I didn't expect you to show up tonight."

I raised my eyebrow. "Huh? Why? Think I'm scared or something? You knew I'd say yes. What's this little game you're getting at?" I immediately shut down, getting defensive, scared of losing someone else. 

He held up his hands in surrender. "No game. Just seeing. Merely talking." His eyes rake over me, I follow them as they go head to toe. "I like that dress Dana."

I saunter closer. I put my arms over his shoulder, staring right in his eyes. I knew that he liked to take the lead, be dominant, but so did I. I saw the lust, the desire in his eyes. We were about the same height and I kissed him. This time more slowly, unlike before in the common room.

I knew it killed him going slowly, but I wanted to tease him a little bit. Get him on edge. He put his hands around my waist and I moved closer. I bit his lip a little. This was clearly his breaking point and he drew back from my kiss and grabbed my shoulders, pushing me against a wall in a swift motion.

My teasing had done the trick. He was about to go wild and couldn't take it. He put his hands back on my waist and connected with my lips again. His cologne filled my nose and I breathed deeply, drinking it in. One of his hands moved from my waist onto the wall, right next to my head. His lips moved from mine, onto my chin. I put my hands into his hair, messing it up. His lips touched my neck and I let out a soft moan and he bites softly. 

The door flew open and I gasped. I looked up and it was Hermione in the doorway, out of breath and looking scared. Draco pulled up, whipping his head around. "What the hell-" He said, but getting cut off by Hermione. 

Wildly she says, "Dana, I just realized I dropped my _textbook_ in the hallway. I have to leave now before Filch sees."

Without hesitation, I untangled myself from Draco. I rush to her side. "Right. Let's go." Turning around, I see Draco standing there, bewildered and confused. "See you around Malfoy, I promise."

I grabbed Hermione's arm, scared about what had happened to her and led her to the doorway. She stood in silence as I grabbed the cloak and our robes. Once we left, I threw the cloak over us. "What happened?" I whispered.

Stammering, she said, "I... I-. He tried to kiss me. I didn't want him to. I was so scared. Oh, Dana I was scared."

"It's ok. You're gone now. You're not there. We're going back to our dormitories. We're going back to our rooms. You are safe there. I'm right here, ok."

We rushed back silently to the Gryffindor common area and as soon as we were inside the room, we threw back the cloak. On the couch, both knocked out, were Ron and Harry, who had clearly waited up for us. We crept back to bed still silent, and we sat down at our beds. Adelle was out cold, as she took sleeping potions to help her sleep.

"What happened?" I asked softly.

She looked up at me, tears streaking her ever placid face. My stomach dropped. "He, he... tried to kiss me." She paused, taking in a deep breath. "I was dancing with Blaise... and he... this guy, touched my butt and I quickly turned around to slap him, when he grabbed my shoulders and tried to kiss me. Blaise immediately saw and punched the guy, but it was too late. I was so scared that I was going to be... you know... taken advantage of, Dana."

I rushed to her side and put my arm around her reassuringly. "Hermione, look at me. You are safe now. You are okay. You are safe, I promise you. I'm right here."

She nodded her head sadly and put her head on my shoulder. "I know, I'm going to be ok, I'm just shaken up right now."

We sat there in soft silence for a bit, both just thinking. I got up, "You should get ready for bed. Sleep will be good."

As she took off her makeup at the vanity, I went around, getting her stuff ready for bed so all she had to do was slip under the covers.

As she went to bed, I myself got ready. I thought back to earlier, I was so close to actually having sex. Was I ready? I felt bad for just abandoning Draco, also anxious that he would hook up with another girl. A small part of me felt that he wouldn't. And there was also the fact that I had slapped him. I had slapped Draco Malfoy. I felt kind of... badass. I also knew that he would actually find that quite attractive and was therefore satisfied that I had done it.

I crawled into bed a little while later, my head swirling and spinning from the night's activities.


	4. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of suicide

I woke up the next morning, feeling groggy. Last night's memories came flooding back to me and I smiled at the thought of Draco pushing me against a wall. I blushed at the thought.

Walking into the Great Hall, the ceiling was a gorgeous pale blue with clouds dotting it. I looked out the window, and sure enough, the same sky was outside. I couldn't wait to get outside today. All the usuals were all at the table, already tucking into their breakfasts. Sliding into a seat, I turned around, looking for Draco, but he wasn't here yet.

"Looking for Malfoy eh?" Fred teased with a smirk on his face. 

I blushed a dark red and stared down at my food, trying to ignore their jests. 

"Well, it's quite alright." George piped up. "Ron looked at you the same way only a couple years ago!"

Quickly shooting back I counter, "Oh, so much like you staring at Alicia Spinnet?" I said, raising my eyebrow at him.

He blushed a little. "Oi!, that was uncalled for!" Just as he said that, Ron and Harry sat down at the table. "Little Ronny, you should've kept this one around, she's fun! Imagine how entertaining Christmas would've been." He finished, rolling his eyes with a laugh.

Ron went beet red and glared at his brother. "Bloody hell George, I've just sat down, will you relax?"

Hermione, who was sitting next to me and had arrived much before me, said, "Oh, enough all of you really. This is so childish. Grow up." With that, she stormed off.

"What's that all about then?" Harry said, digging into his eggs. "How was last night?"

I waved him off. "Oh, fine."

Harry looked surprised, "Fine? Really? That's it, after all that and just 'fine'? Did something happen?"

"No." I said, with finality, trying to end the conversation. "Who's the captain this year for Quidditch?"

"Angelina is." In a more quieter tone, Fred said, "Kinda wish it was one of us though. But keep that hush hush, I think she'll make a great captain either way." George nodded in agreement.

I shrugged and went back to my breakfast.

The rest of the day was quite uneventful as far as first days go. We got huge piles of homework, which I predicted would take me hours to do. Snape, as usual, was icey and mean towards our group, but that was expected. Once the day finally ended, I lugged all my books to our meeting spot, outside near the Great Lake. We always met up here when the weather was nice to do our homework.

Hermione was already there, books and parchment spread out around her. I glanced behind me and Ron and Harry were making their way down. I sat down on the grass, about a couple feet away from the lake's edge. The water was more clear today, but a chill still ran down my spine, thinking of what was in there.

Harry finally our sport said, "Hello! I say we should get cracking on our Divination homework first." 

As I took my books out of my satchel, I said, "I say we do Transfiguration first, since we're all here, we can collaborate."

"Good idea." Hermione said. "It's not too hard today."

"Easy for you to say!" Ron whined, as usual.

It took us about an hour to finish our essays on the history of Animagus reversal spells. Hermione finished all her homework before us, and raced off towards the castle.

"What is going on with her today?" Ron asked. "Just what the hell happened last night?"

I was about to tell them, but decided that was a huge breach of privacy on her part. "Listen, something happened to her, but you will absolutely not ask or push her until she is ready to tell you. And no, I will not tell you. So give it a rest. She'll tell you eventually. I don't want to hear it anymore."

They both sat in silence for a bit, digesting the information. "Oh, I hope she's ok." Harry finally said.

"She will be, I think she's just a bit shaken up. Now, let's move on to Divination."

As we made up predictions for our upcoming months, each one getting wilder and wilder, I felt things becoming more at ease. Back to what it used to be. And that thought made me happy. 

As the sun was starting to set, we headed back to the castle for dinner. The usual conversations were being traded around, stories of how horrible the professors were, predictions on Quidditch, and who the newest couples were. I sat in silence, thinking everything over.

My feelings were so confusing and I just felt like screaming and letting it all out. I just wanted to run away, and never come back. Maybe I'll go live in the Alps, away from everyone and all my problems. Have a little cottage high up in the mountains. 

I walked back to the common room, in a trance-like walk, mulling things over.

"Psst!!" I heard a sound and turned around, about to get annoyed with some little bitch for trying to get my attention.

Draco met my eye and I laughed. "Of course it was you. Well what do you want then?"

He smirked. "Come on, let's sneak off. Lets do something fun for once. I want to spend time with you."

I waited back and let the group pass by me. I walked over to Draco and we entered an empty classroom and he didn't turn the lights on. "Don't want to get caught do we?"

I smirked. "Hmm... I see. But maybe that's what makes it fun." 

"Enough talking." He walked close to me and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. My heart went crazy and I felt myself melt with his touch. There was something so... _hypnotic_ about Draco.

"We must be silent. I placed a hex on the door, so we will be alerted if someone is coming. If anything happens, say I'm tutoring you."

I laughed. "Yea right. Make it the other way around, we need it to at least be believable."

I licked my lips, watching him size me up and down. He put his hand on my waist and leaned closer, grazing my lips with his. He came down hard on my lips, and pushed me against a wall. I put my hands on his shoulders and kissed back like there was no tomorrow. He pushed his tongue in my mouth, and it collided with mine. 

I removed myself from his kiss and lowered my mouth to his neck, feeling bold. He leaned his head on my shoulder, breathing into my hair. I bit gently on his skin and felt him jerk a little. I put my hand on his cheek, caressing him softly. He tugged on my earlobe with his teeth, and for some reason, that was really fucking hot.

He took my leg and raised it so it was hooked around his hip. I put my hand behind his head and the other around his shoulder. I leant against the wall, looking into his gray eyes. The lust in his eyes was so overwhelming.

"Why'd you stop?" He asked, not sounding annoyed, but more curious.

"I just wanted to look at you." I unhooked my leg from his hip. "I'm really tired Draco, I want to go to sleep."

"Dana, no. Come on we just got started. You left last time too." He sounded sad as if he was genuinely hurt. 

"And that's what keeps it entertaining. You can't be dominant all the time, now can you?" I untangled myself, raising my eyebrow, as if to ask if he's going to interject.

He rolled his eyes, though I could tell he wasn't too upset.

"See you around Malfoy." I opened the door and looked over my shoulder, to see him straightening his hair and clothes. I sped off towards the common room.

As I lay in bed, I kept replaying what happened earlier. Next time I saw Draco I was going to have sex with him. I felt ready now. I was sure of myself now.

I turned over in bed, thinking about the summer, I felt nostalgic tonight, I don't really know why.

_I had the knife in my hand. I was ready to die. I had my letter on the bedside, I looked around and felt oddly calm, I was finally going to be at peace. The pain would be gone at last._

_No one had wanted me here anyway. I felt at odds with my parents; As I thought of my parents I felt a stab of guilt. I pushed those thoughts away, I would feel better once I was 6 feet under. I took a deep breath, so certain now of my fate. I thought of Ron, who was probably getting ready for bed right now. The sun was setting on another hot, humid summer day. None of them had reached out to me. I knew Ron wouldn't, but it hurt knowing that neither Harry nor Hermione reached out. I had no other friends anyway._

_I just hated my life so much and I couldn't keep going. I had lost my strength. I looked out the window, for my last glimpse at Earth and a tear rolled down my cheek. I saw something flying towards the window, and realized it was a bird._

_"Fuck." I thought. It was probably the Ministry with a letter of warning of me dying. I had somehow managed to trigger some sort of alarm._

_The owl perched on my windowsill and I retrieved the letter, giving it some treats and water. I opened it, it had my name written on it. An unfamiliar scrawl was written inside._

_**Dear Dana,** _

_**I realise this might come at an inconvenient time. Let me explain myself, I know we have never really talked in school, but I am interested in hanging out with you this summer. I believe your company to be in good taste. I do hope this doesn't come off as creepy, but I recall my father mentioning that you and your family live close, so it would be easy for us to get together. Please let me know if you are interested or if this was simply a waste of time.** _

_**Best,** _

_**Draco Malfoy** _

_I was shocked. I was mind blown. If this letter had arrived just a mere 5 minutes later, I don't know if I would be here to read it. Someone wanted me here. And that someone was Draco. The timing could not have been better. I put my knife down and sat down at my desk to write back._

_**Dear Draco,** _

_**Yes, this was quite unexpected, but nevertheless a lovely surprise. I would absolutely like to meet up sometime. I do recall that the Malfoy Manor is near my house. If you know the park on Garden Lane, we can meet there because it's never crowded.** _

_**Best,** _

_**Dana Bennett** _

_I attached my letter to the owl and it promptly flew off, back to Draco. I sat down on my bed, still in shock that Draco wrote to me. And right before I was about to die. The timing was really crazy._

As I thought back that day, it welcomed back the pain of those thoughts and feelings. I was in such a dark place, I really didn't think I would leave it. And it's not like Draco saved me from those thoughts, he just saved me from the physical action. The thoughts did get better as the summer progressed, and now that I'm back in school, but it still comes back in waves.

Every now and then I just feel so low, it's like I'm climbing this endless staircase to nowhere. I shake my head of those thoughts and try to fall asleep.


	5. chapter 5

The next day, in Defense against the Dark Arts, Professor Lupin was going over some basic review of the spells necessary to disarm our enemies.

"Now, now, I see you all rolling your eyes and groaning. However, that is not necessary at all. The only way to become an expert at dueling is memorization and becoming comfortable with the spells. First, we will be going over _Expelliarmus_. Partner up!"

Harry naturally went with Ron, Neville quickly asked Hermione and I swiveled around in my seat, about to ask Draco, but saw him already standing over me. I raised my eyebrow but smiled and stood up.

"Spread out! Use all available space. On my word, try and beat your partner to the incantation!" I stood across from Draco, ready to disarm him. He brushed his hair out of his face and this simple act made me go wild. He was just so hot. 

"BEGIN!!" Lupin shouted, and immediately chaos broke out. 

" _Expelliarmus_!" I shouted first, beating Draco. His wand flew across the room and he scowled at me. I laughed at him sulking over to get his wand.

"I let you win there Bennett. Ladies first as they say." He said, as he came back over.

I laughed. "Oh sure, sure. Whatever you say Malfoy." I replied, sarcastically.

Lupin was walking around the room, inspecting us all. Giving tips and pointers to all, and as usual, Neville was struggling a little bit. "Wands at the ready students! Begin!" He shouted again. 

" _Expelliarmus_!" Draco shouted, and my wand went flying. I gave him the middle finger and trudged across the room to retrieve it.

-

The rest of the day was normal, I got dumped with more homework. We had to chart the stars tonight for Astronomy class, which was irritating because that meant we had to go up to Astronomy Tower tonight.

At dinner, I chatted with all the usuals. I felt someone's presence behind me and turned around, hoping it was Draco. I was surprised to see Angelina. 

She took a muffin from the table and started eating it, "Quidditch tryouts are in a couple weeks, you're coming back right?"

"Oh of course! Congrats on becoming captain, well deserved."

"Thanks, my goodness it's so stressful, I wish Oliver hadn't graduated sometimes."

"I can't even imagine. What day are the tryouts?"

Picking apart her muffin she said, "Don't know just yet, I'm thinking either Monday or Tuesday. Anyway, see you around Bennett." With that, she walked off.

The group was all sitting in our usual spots around the fire in the common room later that night. I had just finished my Dark Arts essay on the etiquette of dueling. It was quite tiresome and boring.

Hermione, yawning, said, "It's getting near 10:00, we should go up to the Astronomy Tower soon."

I nodded my head. I loved looking at the stars and the night sky. This was a good excuse to go out and look. I had fallen in love with the stars when we had learned about them back before Hogwarts days, when I was enrolled in a primary school. My father had loved them as well, and when the nights were clear, we would go out on our balcony and go stargazing. We got good at it after a couple years, and we would get each other Astronomy books and telescopes for birthdays or Christmas.

Star gazing was really my only opportunity to bond with my father and I took whatever chance I could get. We had a detached relationship, more of a strict figure rather than a parental figure. But in those rare moments, I could really call him my father. Every time I look at the stars, I think of him and those memories of us. Sometimes, I would look at his favorite constellation, Hercules, and tear up a little bit. He called it "the crazy man in the sky" and it always made me smile in warm memory of him. 

Up at the tower, there were a couple other people out there, already gazing up at the sky. We picked a nice spot, away from other people and set up our equipment. I took a while to complete my chart because I liked it to be very precise.

Hermione and Harry finished quickly, leaving just me and Ron out there. I had a sneaking suspicion that they had planned it this way.

Ron broke the silence after a couple minutes, asking, "Can you help me find Cassiopeia?" As he said this, he looked over his shoulder. 

I leaned over to his telescope and put my eye on the piece, looking up. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him looking over at someone again, but didn't pay attention to it. "Ron, you've got it looking in the complete other direction! It's always right near Capella." I tilted his telescope towards the right direction and I was now keenly aware of how close I was to him. I cleared my throat and quickly moved over, back to my space.

"Oh, thanks Dana." He said softly.

"No problem." I now turned over my shoulder, trying to see who he was looking over at earlier. I made direct eye contact with a very angry Draco. My stomach dropped. This bitch Ron. This _motherfucker_. I swear to God I would push him over the ledge. 

"You are a real piece of work Weasley." I spit out, pissed off. "You are the most selfish person I've ever met. Good night." I quickly packed up my stuff, feeling annoyed and used. I brushed past Draco, who tried to grab my arm, but I rushed past him, fighting back tears. Once again, I felt like a pawn. He only asked me that question to make it seem like we were getting closer with each other to Draco, just to make a complete fool of me.

"Well two can play at that game." I thought angrily, making my way back to the common room. I hoped that little stunt didn't do damage to my budding relationship with Draco. I felt so angry and pissed off I just wanted to punch something, or someone.

I heard someone coming down the staircase and my heart sank, it was probably Draco, about to let me have it or mock me.

"Dana! Wait!" It was Draco and I stopped because I would at least give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Yes, what is it?"

"What was that little show with Weasley all about?" He said, looking quite upset.

"This little motherfucker set me up and I am furious about it." I angrily tried to wipe away the tears building up in my eyes. "We agreed not to do anything undermining the other, and this is what he pulls?" I sneered, upset at Ron.

"So you're not getting back into his good graces then?"

"Good lord, no. I am so done with that piece of shit." I paused, deciding if I should make a move towards Draco or play it safe. I decided to be bold. "I'm with you now."

A look of shock mixed with happiness enters onto Draco's face. "Oh are you now?" He asked, with a sultry voice.

I bit my lip a little. "Yes, unless you present any good reasons why I shouldn't be?"

He walked closer and planted a kiss on my cheek. "Goodnight Bennett." He sauntered off, in the direction of the dungeons.

In the common room, I paced back and forth, waiting to ambush Ron. I was really going to let him have it. I was beyond furious. Finally, I heard the portrait hole swing open and I froze. I crossed my arms, putting an angry look on my face.

"Ah. Hello." He looked at me, a little intimidated. "'Night!" He said, trying to rush off towards the dorms.

"Sit the FUCK down." I pointed at a seat and he immediately sat down, looking scared. "Care to explain what that was, _Ronald_?"

Stammering he said, "I... erm.. I-. It was an accident I swear, I really did need help."

"Oh you are so full of shit. Just tell the goddamn truth will you?" Pacing back and forth, I can feel myself getting heated. I had started and all my anger was ready to come out. "YOU! You promised that we wouldn't pull any of these stunts. There were so many opportunities that I could've done something! But did I? No. Because I have some respect. Must you be such a _child_?" 

"I-. Ok FINE! I did it on purpose. There! I said it." He stood up, facing me now. "But Malfoy? Really. That is a new low, even for you."

"Fuck you. Go straight to Azkaban, I hate you." In a quieter voice I said, "At least he wrote me over the summer. Did you know Ron, I was going to kill myself. And no, I'm not placing any blame on you, so don't even pull that card on me. He wrote me. He was there. Was I expecting a letter from my ex? No, not really, I'm just letting you know, that's all." 

After I said I immediately regretted it, I don't know why I said it. I think I just wanted to let it out there. No one knew and speaking it out loud made me feel a little better. 

He stood there, digesting what I had just said. "Dana.. What? I... I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"I didn't say that for sympathy, or guilt or anything. I was just saying it so you were aware and I'm done talking to you. I'll be nice to you, I'm not going to ruin it for Harry or Hermione, but I'm done with you. Good night. Please do not repeat what I just confided in you." I stormed off towards my dorm, not looking back at that sorry excuse for a human.

I was still stewing over what he had done by the time I went to bed later. Thankfully, Draco did not seem too upset by this. I would've been wildly furious if it had affected Draco.

-

The next morning I was still upset, but I decided to move past it. Breakfast was the same, but I was icy and mean towards Ron. Hermione picked up on this, but did not say anything to me. Harry, as usual, did not pick up on much and was blissfully unaware. I'm sure when Ron tells him, I'm going to be painted as this bad guy, but at this point, I really didn't care.

In Potions, we were trying to brew up a Draught of Peace potion, which relieved anxiety and stress. Just what I needed. I was quite good at Potions, which was good because this meant I didn't receive as much hate from Snape.

Snape was an evil little man, who still stewed over childhood trauma, taking it out on students. Like, grow up already! He absolutely despised Harry and this was quite evident today.

Stalking around the classroom as we brewed our potions he had a look of disdain when he passed Harry. "What exactly is this _Potter_? I said moonstone, not lavender, honestly, can you read? 10 points from Gryffindor."

Harry groaned. Snape walked over to my cauldron. "Interesting Bennett. What method of cheating did we use today?"

"Sir-? I didn't cheat? Just because it's really well done does not mean I cheated."

"Talking back to the teacher? Another 10 points from Gryffindor. Tut tut. When will they learn?"

The fellow Hufflepuffs in the room with us all looked doubly scared about what had just happened.


	6. chapter 6

It was finally Friday night. It seemed to have taken forever to get there, but it was finally the weekend. As I was walking down the hall towards the Great Hall for dinner, Draco came up next to me.

"For tonight." He said, handing me a cream colored envelope. "See you later Bennett." He sped up, and entered the Hall ahead of me.

I opened the envelope and it was written in his familiar scrawl.

**Slytherin Dungeons - 10 pm**

**Wear green - there's a dress code this time**

**Girls wear green, boys wear black**

**Hope to you there - DM**

I smiled, I had been invited again. And written by Draco for me too, which made it extra special. 

I hurriedly ate at my dinner, hardly able to contain my excitement. Hermione told me that her and Blaise were going to do something alone together, after what had happened last time.

-

I was getting ready for the party and I had my music going on my CD player. This time I had in Led Zeppelin. Adelle was getting ready for a Ravenclaw party that she was attending with her now boyfriend, Paul Jenson, who was a 6th year.

In between applying coats of lipstick she asked, "Hermione, what are you going to do with Blaise?" 

She shrugged. "I don't know, I think he suggested doing a trivia night, which is really exciting. I'm not sure what the content is on, which could go in either direction."

I laughed. "Oh my goodness, that is a perfect idea for you two. The brainiest kids ever to exist."

"Are you going to hook up with Draco tonight?" Hermione asked.

I turned scarlet red. "Oh... erm... uh. I hadn't thought about it." That was a blatant lie, it was all I was thinking about. I was so ready to do it. "Maybe." I finally said.

Adelle squealed. "Dana!! That is so exciting oh my goodness. Be safe. I mean it. And don't be afraid to say no. I mean that too."

I waved them off, "Of course I'll be safe."

Hermione just looked serious. "I don't know Dana, are you sure you're ready?"

"I know I am. I have been giving it some thought and I really am. I wouldn't rush into something like this." I picked out my green dress and slipped it on and put on my black heels. 

I said goodbye to the others and walked out to the common room, ready to ask Harry for his Invisibility Cloak. Harry grumbled and whined and eventually handed me the cloak, giving me the same warning as last time.

-

I entered the common room, there were the familiar green orbs floating around, casting green glows on everyone. All the girls were dressed in varying shades of green. The music was pulsing and, as usual and in back on the couch, was Adrian Pucey, surrounded by his usual cluster of girls, all clawing for his attention.

I grabbed a glass of champagne and walked around the party, surveying everyone.

"Hello, my dear." Drawled a familiar voice. Draco.

I smiled. "Hello Malfoy."

"Come sit with me." He led me to a pair of chairs, in a corner. He sat down on one, and started messing with something on the table next to him. Upon further notice, it was a blunt that he was rolling.

He took a lighter and lit up the blunt, taking a long inhale in. When he exhaled, his eyes immediately looked relaxed. He offered me the blunt and I took it, my stomach in knots. I had never smoked before, but decided to try it. I mean, why not? This was the perfect opportunity to try some. I took an inhale and choked a little, coughing. I did not enjoy it very much. 

He took another inhale and then passed it off to Zacharias Smith. Draco beckoned me onto his lap and I got up from the chair and sat down on his lap, leaning back into his body. My head was on his shoulder and my hand was playing with his hair. His hands wrapped around my waist and held me close to his body, protectively.

We sat there, entangled in each other, surveying the scene. The mere power he held was insane, I felt powerful just sitting there. And this was what I could never get with Ron. This intense feeling of fire and confidence. The feeling of the weed was just starting to kick in, I felt this feeling of relaxation come, and everything just clicked. I giggled at nothing, feeling blissful. Since I didn't inhale that much, I didn't feel extreme effects.

He leant back, to whisper in my ear. "Shall we get a room my dear?"

"Anything you say." I loved it when he called me his dear. 

I got up, feeling a bit dizzy and grabbed his hand. We made our way back to the dorms and it hit me what we were about to do. I took a deep breath, I felt ready. He swung open the door and I walked into the familiar room. There were only 2 beds in here and I didn't know whose the other one was. Probably Crabbe or Goyle. I looked away, back to Draco. He was unbuttoning his shirt and I felt myself swoon.

"Dana, are you sure you want to do this?" He asked.

"Yes, I am sure."

"Good. Because I'm going to fuck you so hard you can't walk tomorrow."

He walked over towards me and the power radiating off of him was next level. "Get on the bed."

I could see that he was going to be the dominant force and I didn't mind. Since this was the first time, I didn't mind someone else commanding me. Plus, it was so hot. I kicked off my heels and got on his bed.

He crawled on and stroked my face with his hand. "You are so beautiful Dana." He put his lips on mine and I kissed him back fiercely. He slipped off one of the straps on my dress and I broke the kiss to take off my dress. I was now in my black lingerie that I picked out. I'm glad that they're finally getting some use. He sat back, drinking in my body. I was kneeling and so was he. He kissed me, moving around my face.

My hands were roaming around his back while he kissed my neck and body. He moved lower, towards my chest. My breath hitched, and he unclasped my bra. He flung it to the side and now all I had on was my underwear.

He put his hands on my waist and we continued to make out. My bare chest against his bare chest. My pussy was going wild right now, and I just wanted him inside me. His kiss turned ravenous and hungry, and he took off his pants so we were both in our underwear. The music from the common room was so loud I could hear it, which was good because then it would be silence, which is so weird.

He broke from the kiss. "Do you want to give me head?"

I paused. "Uh.. sure. I've never done it before though. Wait.. no, that's a lie. I gave it to someone one summer. It was so bad." I laughed nervously, aware that I was rambling. "Anyway, yes."

"It's ok Dana. You don't have to be nervous. I'm aware I might have a bit of a reputation, but I promise you it's mostly just talk."

"Really?" 

"Yea, I just don't kill the rumors, that's all."

At this moment, he looked like a real boy. Not this wild, crazy, fuck boy of Hogwarts. And I realized I would do anything I could to have him like this all the time. But I knew it was impossible.

He got off the bed, walking towards a chair that was near the bed. He beckoned me over and I followed. He took off his underwear and his dick that was already hard came out. I paused, his dick was so big. It was about 8 inches. I couldn't believe it. That was supposed to go inside me? Um..

I knelt down in front of him, looking up at him. I bit my lip. I placed my mouth on the tip of his dick and he grunted in immediate pleasure. He clenched his jaw and leant back in the chair; I took this as a good sign that I was doing this right.

I gained more confidence and bobbed my head up and down. He gripped the edge of his chair with one hand and put the other one on my head. He pushed my head slightly forward, but it wasn't too forceful. His breathing became a little heavier.

After a little while of me switching from my mouth to my hand he came. He relaxed and looked down at me.

"Good girl."

I smiled. He walked over to the bed now, and laid down. I followed him.

"Sit, my dear." He laid down, propping himself up on his elbows.

I laid down next to him and he got on top of me, hovering just above me. He kissed me again, and slipped off my underwear. Running his hand down my thigh, I was not prepared for when he put himself inside of me. I moaned his name and he took my arms and pinned them behind me. He ran a finger down my jawline and down to my pussy.

He went in and out a couple more times, and it felt amazing. This was worth the wait. And Goddamn, Draco knew what he was doing. Honestly, I did not care if I was the 50th woman in this bed, it felt damn good. Does that make me a hoe? I don't care.

Once he was done, he laid down next to me, both of us breathing heavily.

"Damn Dana, you were better than I expected for your first time." He reached for a glass of whiskey that was on his bedside table.

I blushed. "Thanks I guess? You are fucking amazing Draco."

" _Accio clothes_!" He commanded and our clothes came flying towards us. I slipped on my lingerie.

I decided to be a little bold. "Do you have a shirt or something I can put on? I'm not ready to leave yet. Unless you want me to of course?"

He smirked. "Smooth one Dana. Stay for a little bit." He retrieved a button down shirt for me and I put it on. Naturally, it swamped me, but I didn't care. It was Draco's. I felt so happy at that moment, all my past worries gone.

"Tell me Draco, why did you write to me?" This question had been nagging me ever since I received his letter.

He sighed. "Well, to be honest, I had a crush on you last year, and was furious with myself that Ron had beat me to you. I was jealous and upset. When you two broke up, I waited a bit, naturally, before talking to you. But you were so off. I could see that you were... broken and I didn't know if I could fix that. I'm ashamed to say it, but it's the truth. I didn't know if I could handle you. So I waited. And waited. And then one day, just picked up a quill and wrote to you."

I smiled. "Well thank you. It meant a lot more than I imagine you thought it would be. I... I felt all alone and then you wrote to me, and it was like things made sense again. Thank you."

He tucked my hair behind my ear. "You can't ever tell anyone this." Suddenly turning serious. "I'm serious. Like I'll kill you if you repeat it."

"I solemnly swear I will not tell a single soul."

He took a deep breath. Stammering he said, "Well I... I felt suicidal over the summer and decided to write to you, just as a last ditch effort. I figured I would be spared the embarrassment if I was dead. I was not expecting you to respond. But then you did, and I figured it was worth staying." He ran a hand through his hair, clearly embarrassed by what he had just shared.

"I-. No way." I sat there in shock, in disbelief. "This is going to sound crazy but I felt the same way. I felt like there was no other option and had the knife in my hands when your owl showed up at my window, I was amazed. I put down my knife and wrote back to you. I decided to stay."

He now sat up, holding my hands in his. "We saved each other, in some weird way."

"I guess you could say we were meant for each other." I didn't ask why he had wanted to kill himself, because he had not asked me either. We would eventually tell each other, but tonight was not the night.

He leant forward, kissing me again, this time softer and lighter. There was more emotion and feeling behind this kiss. I wrapped my arms around him and held him for a little while.


	7. chapter 7

As the weekend came to a close and Monday rolled around, at least I had Quidditch tryouts to look forward to. For the past 2 years I had played Chaser for the team, and was going to try out again this year. All the usuals were coming back, like Harry, Alicia, the twins, Angelina, but we had no Keeper. I didn't know who was trying out for the spot. It was going to be quite hard to try and fill Oliver's shoes, he was an amazing Keeper.

At breakfast that morning, it was all anyone could talk about. I was sitting next to Harry, with Ron on the diagonal from me. I was pointedly not making eye contact with him. However, I was determined not to break the group apart. I was mature enough to play these childish games, I just hoped he was mature enough.

In between mouthfuls, Harry asked, "Who do you reckon's gonna get the spot?"

I shrugged. "Anyone's guess. I honestly thought Seamus and Dean were going to try out, they're such Quidditch nuts!"

Ron shook his head. "Nah, they prefer to watch the game, rather than play."

I raised my eyebrow, I saw that he was going to try and be polite, I was shocked. After that stunt he pulled, I was sure he was going to be more rude. But, I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

The day moved by unusually slowly and I swear someone put a jinx on the clocks. Finally it was time to get down to the Quidditch pitch. I had my broomstick, a Nimbus 2001, and I walked with Harry down to the pitch.

"I heard a rumor that you're with Malfoy now. Is that true?" He asked.

I blushed. "I mean... I hadn't given it much thought, but I guess so. What were the rumors?" I asked, feeling anxious that they were going to be nasty rumors about how I was a slut or a whore or something like that.

"Oh nothing bad if that's what you're thinking." He said, as if reading my mind. "Just that you're a thing and coupled up."

I smiled. "Yes, the rumors are true then."

"What about Ron?"

"What the fuck does Ron have to do with this?" I said, annoyed that he got brought into every conversation I had.

"Well... nothing I guess."

"After his little move up on the Astronomy Tower, I don't really give a damn what he says. I'm just being polite to him and the friend group."

He looked confused. "What stunt?"

"You're telling me... he- he didn't tell you?" Harry shook his head no. "Well, he tricked me into making a flirty move without me knowing what I was doing, with Draco watching. It was a mean thing to do. I let him have it."

"No, he didn't tell me that at all." I was stumped. I was sure Ron was going to tell Harry. Why didn't he say anything? Interesting. Getting closer to the pitch he hurried, "Dana, do be careful with Malfoy-"

"I'm well aware of his reputation and I can decide for myself." I snapped. "Thank you for looking out though."

I hopped on my broomstick and soared up into the air. Flying around felt so natural and I was at ease immediately. Up in the air, I saw a couple more figures walking down towards the pitch as I did my warm up laps. I saw a red head and thought it was Ginny, but no, upon close inspection it was Ron. I almost fell off my broomstick. What is this bitch doing here??

He looked up at me and we made eye contact. I narrowed my eyes and swooped down to the ground.

"GATHER ROUND NOW!" Angelina shouted, beckoning us all towards her. I stood across from Ron, sneering at him. I was furious. This was my safe space and now he had ruined this too. His brothers didn't look all too delighted to see him as well. "Right then. Let's separate by position!" She pointed in different directions, separating us.

It was me and Alicia Spinnet as the chasers, there were a couple first and second years standing with us, looking quite put out.

Angelina blew her whistle and we all rose into the sky, having a mock game. I was shooting against Ron, and I couldn't wait to fucking chuck the Quaffle at his poor, sorry face. I was taking NO mercy now. Alicia threw the Quaffle towards me and I could hear one of the twins chasing after me, ready to hit me with a Bludger, I did a nice, clean spin and he ended up speeding past me. I had a clear shot towards the hoops.

It was a clear shot between me and Ron. At least he had the good sense to look a bit worried. I chucked the Quaffle with all the might in me and it _just_ zipped past his ears, scoring. I sneered at him and turned around, ready to set up again. Harry caught the Snitch and our team had won this round.

Scoring again and again against Ron made me feel good. It was a good outlet to let all my anger out. I was sweating so hard, but felt great at the end of practice. The other Keeper hopeful was absolutely wretched. Which meant that it was Ron on the team. I groaned.

Walking off the pitch, my adrenaline was still running high and I was mad. Not a good mix, I thought. Just as we were walking off, the Slytherin Quidditch team was walking on. I rolled my eyes, the fan behavior was next level. They were always following us around. Draco and I made eye contact and I gave him the side eye. I didn't quite care if he was my "boyfriend" now or whatever we were, Quidditch was Quidditch. Rivalry was rivalry, no matter who you were.

I heard someone running up behind me. "Dana! Hold up will you!" I groaned and rolled my eyes, it was Ron.

Without turning around, I said, "What is it now Ron? Can't take the heat of being Keeper?"

" _What_ the BLOODY HELL was that little show back there?" He caught up to me now and was shouting.

"Oh please. Grow up little bitch. I was playing Quidditch!" I said, mocking a nice voice. "Congrats on Keeper though!"

"We both know that is not what it's all about. Cut the shit Dana, I've had it."

I fake gasped. "Whatever. That was my last play. I'm going to be good now. I just had to get my anger out and I've done that now. I will try my hardest not to slip up. _However_. If you slip up, this promise goes to shit. Good day." I walked off.

I meant it. I was done. It was exhausting winning all the time! Plus, I just didn't need drama with Ron this year. That was really petty and I didn't care about him that much. I wanted to focus on Draco and school, not ex drama.

-

I crawled into bed that night, exhausted. I felt a depressive wave coming over me and I didn't stop it. I invited it in, with welcome hands. I turned over on my back, staring up at the ceiling. How did I get back to this place? I choked back a sob, careful not to wake the others. I had learned how to cry silently over the years, noting that that was indeed not an accomplishment.

How did Ron and I become like this? He was my everything. Now, he's just another person. All the secrets we shared, all the laughs, gone. They were like ghosts, coming back to haunt me. A tear rolled down my cheek and I wiped it away.

A tiny part of me wished I had done it that night. The pain never really went away. I just pushed it aside, hoping to keep it at bay. I was doing so well too. I was a failure. I was a disappointment. I had let everyone down, as usual.

Maybe this was my destiny? Just being a disappointment forever. There was something so sickly comforting about that. It was what I was used to anyway. I felt so lonely and tired. It was made even worse that I was surrounded by friends who cared so deeply about me. I shouldn't be feeling this way. It's not right. I have friends, so why do I feel like no one cares about me?

I got up, not being able to lie there, wallowing in self-pity any longer. Maybe a quick walk around the castle would help me. I slipped on a cardigan and grabbed my wand. The tears were still coming, maybe faster now, I didn't know. I exited the common room, letting out a loud sob. I clapped my hand over my mouth, hoping no one had heard. I wish I had an Invisibility Cloak. It didn't matter now anyway, I felt invisible.

Stumbling around the castle, I cried and cried, releasing all my feelings that ha. Looking around at all the things that made me happy felt like a knife to my heart. I looked up, somehow I had made it to the Slytherin dungeons. I sat down at the door entryway and leant against the wall. I put my head in my knees and sobbed. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I just wanted to be the happy little girl I was. I missed my childhood. My thoughts were in all different directions tonight. 

The door opened and my stomach dropped. I was going to get in trouble. I tried furiously to wipe my tears, but they were etched on my face.

"Dana?" A soft voice said. It was Draco.

I looked up. "What?"

He sat down next to me. "What are you doing here?" Upon looking closer at my face, he said, "Why are you crying? Are you okay??"

I slowly shook my head. In between sobs, I managed to say, "No. I don't know what is wrong with me. I was doing so well today too. I just got into bed and became terribly sad. I felt like I wanted to die again. I got up and walked around and kinda just... ended up here." A cry came out of me and he put his arms around me.

"Dana, please take a deep breath for me, okay? I'm right here. You are safe. I promise you. I get how it can feel, I really do. But I'm here."

I nodded. "Thank you. Can you stay with me for a little bit?"

"Of course." We sat in silence, his arms around me, as I cried. I felt so low and I just wanted to disappear. But someone was here for me.

After a little bit, Draco softly said, "How are you feeling now?"

I wiped my tears off and managed a small smile. "A little better. Sometimes I just get these... waves. Almost like... a Dementor attack, like there's never going to be joy again, or happiness in my life. Everything is painted black and I feel so heavy."

"Dana, it is worth staying. There is happiness to look forward to. Think of all the fun things we haven't done yet. Think of all the goals you haven't scored yet, all the tests you're going to ace. I know the future may seem grim right now, but I'm here for you. You are stronger than you know."

I wrapped my arms around him. I hugged him and a couple tears fell onto his shoulder. "Thank you Draco. That meant a lot to me."

"Come on, it's time for you to go back." He wrapped his arm around my waist, supporting me all the way back to the Fat Lady. "Good night. I'll see you tomorrow."

Crawling back into bed, I felt a little better. Maybe tomorrow would be better.


	8. chapter 8

I awoke the next morning groggy and tired. I sat up, yawning. The memories of last night came back. I groaned. I was so embarrassed, oh my gosh. I hate crying in front of others, least of all Draco?? Oh God, I think that made it even worse.

I still felt awful and sad, but marginally better today. In the common room, there was a large crowd around the bulletin board and looking closer, the Hogsmeade date was posted. Naturally all the third years were looking excited to go for their first time, while the older kids were more passive. The crowd looked bigger and more excited this year. I'm sure there was a discount at Zonko's or something. It was always the same stores, same drinks, same view. It got a bit repetitive after a while. I walked past without another look.

Walking into the Great Hall, everyone was talking excitedly and looked happy. This was unusual. Had the Yule ball date been announced? Another Triwizard Cup?? I sat down at the table, grabbing a muffin.

"Did you hear the news?!" Harry asked, excitedly.

I shook my head. "No...? What is going on?"

Hermione sat down. "You don't know? Well, there's a new store opening up in Hogsmeade! No one quite knows what it's going to be yet! More information is to be released soon."

I gasped. "No way. NO WAY! That's awesome, oh my gosh!" Now I got why everyone was talking and chatting more than usual. "I wonder what it's going to be? Hopefully it's like a dance club or something. Ooh or a new boutique."

Hermione nodded in agreement. "Personally, I hope it's a fancy bookstore or something."

The new store was all anyone could talk about for the rest day of the day. Of course, some people claimed to actually know what was going in there, but it was all bullshit. I hoped it was a music store, I wanted to get new CDs and posters.

Defense Against the Dark Arts was fun today, we learned about the _Impedimenta_ jinx, a spell to stop or slow your target, often used in battles or duels. It's not a fatal jinx, but can be used to support you. 

After class, Draco walked me to Potions. "How are you feeling today?" He said, in a quieter voice than usual.

My stomach dropped, I was hoping he had forgotten. Clearly he had not. "Oh! Um... I'm doing alright, thanks for asking. Sorry about last night."

"Sorry? For what? You don't need to apologize for that." We arrived at the door. "See you later."

I quickly sat down, trying to forget about last night. I could not believe that I had really cried in the _hallways_. I just wanted to move past and forget last night, like I usually did, but I knew Draco would not forget. I didn't want him to worry too much. 

"Dana?" A sneering voice said. Snape. My stomach sank.

"Yes, sir?"

"Answer me this. What is the potion called that makes everything go your way, and no bad can come to you?"

I froze, scared that I had forgotten but then I remembered this one book Hermione made me read in my 3rd year all about potions. " _Felix Felicis_. The luckiest potion to be brewed."

Snape looked put out, hoping to catch me off my guard since my thoughts were wandering. "Yes. I am going to start brewing that today. You will see, students, it will gradually become the end goal in a couple months."

-

Dinner time finally rolled around and I ate in silence, not feeling like saying much. I left the table early, heading up to the library. I took a chair in the back, near the fireplace. It was right next to a window, and was very cozy. It was all the way in the back, so thankfully it was quiet. I pulled a book from the "Muggle Fiction" shelf, _Pride and Prejudice_ , and sat down. The fireplace was not lit today, since it was still warm out, but a light rain began to patter at the window. This was my happy place and it was so safe and cozy. 

I was so lost in the book, I did not hear someone approach. "Hello." A quiet voice said. I looked up, it was Ron. I was taken aback. 

"Ron? What are you doing here?"

He sat down in the chair across from me. "I figured you would be here."

"Are you okay? Did something happen?"

"No, I just wanted to talk to you. About... well, what you told me the other week." I sat in silence, dread spreading through my body. "Well, I... I'm always here for you, you know. Even if we're not close anymore. You can always come to me because I will always care about you."

Tears formed in my eyes, but I didn't bother to wipe them away. "Thank you Ron, that means so much. I'm ok now, there's nothing to worry about I promise you. How are you doing?"

He shrugged. "The usual." He stood up suddenly, looking awkward. "Anyway... I'm going to get going, I didn't mean to intrude, sorry. Bye."I barely had time to say goodbye before he had taken off. 

A strange, but a nice, warm feeling appeared in my heart. He was a good guy, a bit strange, but a good guy. I felt bad for being so angry before, but my feelings are justifiable. I went back to reading, smiling.

That night in the common room, the Weasley twins were trying to sell their products. Of course, Hermione was not having any of this, and tried multiple times to shut them down. She kept asking Ron for backup, but he was quite embarrassed to turn in his own brothers. It was quite amusing for me and Harry to watch. 

Eventually everyone trickled off to bed, including Hermione, leaving Harry, Ron and I behind in the common room. Harry pulled something out of his bag. "Look what I got guys." He held up a little bag with a huge smile on his face.

I immediately recognized it as weed and my eyes widened. "Harry! You smoke?"

He sheepishly smiled. "Well, no, not really, I've only done it once or twice. Over the summer with Ron and the twins."

This put me in a sour mood instantly, thinking of them all having fun at the Burrow, while I struggled to keep myself alive, alone. Harry noticed this and quickly moved on.

"Come on, let's not waste any time shall we?"

Ron smiled keenly, "Who'd you get it from?"

"Well your delightful brothers of course!" He rolled a joint and grabbed his lighter.

In the back of my head, I knew this was sort of a bad idea. I really did not want to become addicted, but it was going to be fun and I had to live a little. Smoking every once in a while wouldn't kill me. Ron and Harry were good friends, I highly doubted that they'd force me to smoke if I said no.

Harry inhaled and passed it to Ron, who then passed it to me. I inhaled, this time not choking as much, and still coughing. After 2 more rounds through the group, I declined any more. I sat back, waiting for it to hit me.

-

The night kind of passed in a haze, but I woke up the next morning on the couch in the common room. It was still before dawn, so I crept up to bed, leaving Harry and Ron peacefully sleeping on the couch.

I must've fallen back to sleep because I awoke to something poking me in the arm. I bolted upright. "What?!" I reached for my wand, before realizing it was a small house elf.

The elf had come with a letter in its hands. "Nutmeg has a letter for you." She handed me the letter.

"What's your name?" I asked, taking the letter from her. 

"Nutmeg is me name. Nutmeg delivered letter to you. She usually cleans Hogwarts though madam."

"Oh, thank you. You can go back to your duties now." She scampered off and I opened the letter.

**Dana,**

**Let's do something. What do you say to picnicking by the lake this afternoon?**

**-Draco x**

I smiled and held the letter close to me. He was so cute. I grabbed a quill and paper to respond to him.

**Draco,**

**That sounds lovely. I will grab food from the kitchens and meet you at 2:00. Please bring a blanket and whatever drinks you want.**

**-Dana xx**

Now I couldn't wait until this afternoon. As I walked down to the Great Hall for breakfast, I handed my note to a house elf and told them to deliver it to Draco.

The day dragged by, as days usually do when you're waiting for something, but finally it was time to get ready for my first unofficial "date" with Draco. I put on my mascara and decided not to overdo it and leave it at that. I went down to the kitchens, finding the door after figuring out how to get down there from the twins the other year. The elves kept offering me more food than I could carry, and I felt bad refusing it. I left with some sandwiches and a cake.

I walked outside and it was such a nice day out today. The sky was a nice soft blue, dotted with puffy clouds. I saw Draco sitting far away and hurried along.

"Dana! Hi!" He called, waving to me.

He had set up a blanket and I could see some beer bottles sticking out from a bag. I laughed, how typical of him.

"Draco! Hi! This was such a lovely idea."

He blushed. "Yea... this is our first official date!" He said awkwardly, running his hands through his hair. 

I laughed. "Enough talking! I'm starving; I got some sandwiches and a nice little cake from the kitchen."

I laid them down on the blanket and we started eating. We talked about our day and it felt so nice. It felt so natural and easy to talk to Draco.

He put his forkful of cake down. "Do you remember when we went to that playground in the middle of the night?"

"Of course. How could I forget?"

_I had received a second letter from Draco asking to meet. I had suggested that we meet at a local playground, roughly halfway between his manor and my house. The Malfoy Manor was, of course, in the wealthy area, about 30 minutes from me. I lived in a medium size home, in a cute little neighborhood with perfect lawns and freshly painted houses. Of course, our house was a little more... natural. My mother didn't want the lawn to be cut, believing that it would submit to conformity. The back yard was a garden with flowers and vegetables galore. We were the only "messy" house on the block._

_I remembered that as a little child, my mother would drive me around to show me the huge mansions, sometimes with driveways so long you couldn't see the home. With gates and hedges to keep commoners out, they were always untouchable to me. As I grew older, I loved riding my bike past the mansions, trying to imagine how different my life would be if I was raised in one of them._

_This playground was on the outskirts of town, marking the beginning of the wealthy district and the end of the suburban area. Of course, it was only the suburban kids who played on it, the rich kids thinking they were too good for it. It wasn't as popular anymore, becoming overgrown and weedy. Which made this a perfect meet up area for us._

_That night, I hurried through dinner and quickly got ready. I checked my watch and set off towards the playground. I saw a lone boy standing around who looked very out of place. His hair was so white that it immediately identified him as Draco. I felt the butterflies in my stomach, thinking of how hot he was._

_"Hello!" I said, waving at him._

_"Hi Dana. I've never been here before. I didn't even know there was a playground here." He put his hands in his pockets._

_"Oh I'm sure you haven't. When I was little, it was already becoming abandoned and spooky. The 'rebel' kids always hung out here, torturing others. But now, everyone's forgotten about it, making it a perfect meet up place."_

_He sat down on one of the swings, giving it a once over to make sure it was safe. "I wish I had known about this, it would've been fun to torture the kids." I burst out laughing at this comment._

_We sat on the swings, talking and laughing for hours, long after the sun had gone down. It was warm and the moon was bright._

_He had kissed me that night. Right before he left, he had taken my face in his hands, kissing me square on the lips._

Draco sat up. "Your friends are going to be okay with us dating right? I know we don't.... erm... particularly like each other."

"Oh, they better fucking be. And if they're not, than fuck them... like they're my friends not my parents, they don't have the right to decide who I can and can't date."

He laughed. "You are a very determined girl aren't you?"

-

The date of the Hogsmeade visit finally came and it seemed as if everyone in the castle was going. The store had announced that to find out what it was, you had to come see in person. I must say that their advertising was top notch. What better way to bring customers in? I was very curious to find out what the store was too.

Draco and I were going together. I met him at the exit, where Filch eyes everyone down as if we're sneaking out a convict. I mean, to be honest, I wouldn't put it past the Weasley twins, but still, it was a bit much. There was a rush to get down there and everyone was walking quite quickly, in order to be the first to see.

About halfway down, Draco grabbed my hand and held it in his. Instantly, I felt butterflies in my stomach, feeling warm. The rings on his hand felt cold against my hand. I squeezed his hand back. I could see a small smile out of the corner of my eye. Finally arriving in Hogsmeade, I was now craning my neck to try and spot the storefront. IT WAS A MUSIC STORE.

"Draco! Draco!!! I knew it!! What did I say?" I was freaking out and so beyond excited to get in there. Of course, there was a huge lineup of people dying to get inside. 

"A music store?" He sounded a bit disappointed. "Listen, you save our spot on line and I'll get us some butterbeers."

I nodded my head, too distracted to really listen. Once I had made it inside, the crowd had begun to thin a bit. The store was eclectic, but cozy. There was a "Muggle Music" section and I instantly made a beeline for it. I purchased a Nirvana poster and met Draco outside the store. He handed me a butterbeer. We walked around Hogsmeade, purchasing things at Zonkos and Honeydukes. His hand was in mine the whole time.


	9. chapter 9

As Christmas neared, the whole castle was brimming with excitement and anticipation. Draco and I now wrote to each other using house elves as our carriers. I kept all his little notes and letters tucked away in a corner of my trunk. I had been planning on staying at the castle for Christmas, because I really did not want to go home. I know that was a bit selfish but I really couldn't muster the courage to go home and face my past. 

Home reminded me of my lowest, and I really wanted to forget it. Move past that. I felt bad, but for my mental health, I really could not go back. Last year, I went to the Burrow with Harry, who had brought his parents, and Hermione. That would obviously not be an option this year, I thought sadly.

The closer Christmas got, the more decorated the castle got. There were the usual 12 trees brought in by Hagrid, lining the Great Hall. There was garland lining the staircases and a wreath on classroom doors. Seeing everyone discussing their plans and packing their suitcases made me feel a bit left out.

As I was walking up to the library, a house elf stopped me in the hallway with a note from Draco.

**Dana,**

**Mother and Father have said that I'm allowed to bring a guest to Christmas this year! Would you like to come? Unless of course, you've already got plans?**

**-Draco x**

Grabbing a quill from one of the desks in the library, I quickly wrote back.

**Draco,**

**That sounds absolutely lovely! I have no other plans, and I would love to spend the holidays with you.**

**-Dana xx**

I sat down in my usual chair, now feeling a buzz of excitement and hope. Spending the holidays with Draco! In the fanciest mansion in England no less.

My home could not be anything further than the Malfoy Manor. The clutter and junk strewn around, with the promises of someday. It drove me insane and made me so mad I just couldn't stand seeing it, let alone having other people see it. I think I'm just so scared of letting people see where I'm really from that I never have people over. Not like I would invite Ron, Hermione or Harry anymore. Maybe Luna if anyone, I feel like she would love the clutter.

-

The common room was all a flurry because everyone was packing their bags. Everyone was rushing about, grabbing quills and sweaters. The winter break started tomorrow and the train left early in the morning. Seamus Finnegan walked through the portrait hole, with a plate of cookies in his hand.

In between mouthfuls he said, "Dana, there's... erm... a certain, _someone_ who wants to talk to you."

"Oh! Thank you Seamus." I went out and saw Draco standing there awkwardly.

"Hi, I just wanted to discuss plans with you for tomorrow." He held his hand out, and I took it, leading me away from the common room. "Well, after breakfast, we're going take the train back to King's Cross and there will be a man there that will Apparate us to my home."

"This is so exciting! Who's coming for Christmas?"

"I think a few of Father's friends and my Aunt Bellatrix. She's quite fun you'll see. I think you two will like each other. It will be very formal wear, you have what you need for that right?"

I nodded. "Yep, I made sure to pack accordingly. Thank you for inviting me Draco, this means a lot to me."

He blushed slightly. "Of course Dana, I wouldn't want Christmas without you."

I leaned forward and gave him a hug. He was a bit surprised at first, but hugged me back. He was warm and his embrace made me feel so safe. 

-

The next morning I woke up in a happy mood for the first time in a while. I was spending the holidays with Draco! I double-checked my trunk and made sure everything was all in order.

"Have a nice Christmas Dana!" Hermione said. "We will miss you."

My heart sank a bit with those words. "You too, see you after holidays. I already sent your gift to the Burrow, I made sure Mrs. Weasley knew."

She smiled, but I could tell there was a sadness behind it. She gave me a hug and went down to breakfast. I followed behind her.

The train was leaving right after breakfast and I could barely eat. I was too excited that even waffles weren't enough to tempt me. Once Dumbledore dismissed us, chaos broke out as everyone rushed to the door. I stalled a bit, making sure I would meet up with Draco.

He sauntered over to me and grabbed my hand. "Ready?"

I nodded. We headed off towards the train. As we got closer, he said, "Crabbe and Goyle are staying at Hogwarts for the holidays so I don't think the compartment will be too crowded."

"Oh that's good. Will Pansy be joining us?"

"No. She irks me too much and I told her to move to a different one."

I laughed. As we got outside, a light snow flurry began to fall.

"Oi! Bennett! Hold up." Fred shouted with George right next to him, and I turned around, confused. They waved me over.

I let go of Draco's hand. "One second, this should be quick, sorry."

Fred bent down and whispered, "Bennett, be careful, his father is a piece of shit and will be rude towards you because of your blood status. Don't let him tear you down." With a pat on my back and a wink he said, "There's always a free seat at home." .

"If you ever need a prank or something... I've heard the Malfoy Manor gets a bit quiet... You know where to find us." George said.

They shoved me back towards Draco, waving.

"What was that all about?" Draco asked, suspiciously.

"Oh, just asking me if they're approved to send my Christmas gifts to your house."

He raised an eyebrow, clearly not convinced, but the train blew it's warning whistle and we quickly hurried on. We walked down, towards the back, towards Draco's usual compartment. My heart rate quickened and I don't quite know why.

The train took off with a lurch and I smiled with contentment. I was so excited to see Draco's home, where he grew up and all his memories. I realized that I would be near my own home. I guess I should go home and say hi. It would simply be rude not too. The thought of going home made me sick. I just don't think I could stomach seeing all those things in the home that make me unhappy.

As the train made its way towards King's Cross, Draco and I chatted about everything. Most of it was merely gossip or nothing serious. As we got close, he went off to get dressed. I dug around in my trunk for a nice set of clothes. I picked out jeans and a soft gray sweater. I paired it with my Doc Martens and some nice accessories. I decided this was a nice enough outfit without it looking too over the top. Draco came back in an outfit of gray dress pants and a dark green sweater.

The train pulled into the station and we exited, out into the chilly air. I pulled my winter coat closer. Draco led me towards this man we were going to meet. As we walked around, I spotted heads of red hair and smiled sadly. There were the Weasleys, Harry and Hermione all meeting Mrs. Weasley. She caught my eye and gave me a wink and a small wave. I smiled back at her.

We met the man and he Apparated us to Malfoy Manor. I guessed he was some sort of servant. We landed in the foyer, which was dark and airy. There was a big lantern above us, a mirror on one side of the wall and paintings on the other. 

It was dark marble, and was the perfect balance between cold and stuffy. Just beyond the foyer laid the rest of the house, sitting all dark and expensive. We took off our coats and a house elf took them to hang in the coat closet. More house elves came and took our trunks and Apparated them off.

Lucius Malfoy came around the corner, and I immediately straightened myself, fear setting in. "Ah, so this must be _the_ Dana Bennett. Welcome to Malfoy Manor."

He held out his hand for me to shake and I grabbed it. His grip was so firm and tight I feared he would rip my hand off. "Thank you for having me for the holidays, I appreciate it very much." I smiled my nicest smile I could muster.

"Bennett..." He said aloud, thinking. "I can't think of any Bennetts, you must not be pureblood then?"

Draco interrupted, "Father, must we do this?"

Lucius averted his piercing gaze away from me and landed on Draco. "Yes, we must. Blood purity is very important to me and I should've hoped it was important to you." He sneered at his son and looked back at me. "Do tell me you're not... Muggle born?" He sneered again. He seemed to be in the habit of doing this often. 

I felt a shiver run down my back. "I'm not. If you must know, I'm a half-blood. My mother is a pureblood witch and my father is a Muggle."

He winced. "A shame, really, that so many purebloods find themselves in these unfortunate circumstances."

Narcissa Malfoy now came into the foyer. "Enough chit chat, Lucius!" She discreetly shot him a deathly look. She held her arm out towards me, "Come have a cup of tea with me Dana."

Lucius cleared his throat. "Hmph. Good idea, I need to talk to Draco."

I gratefully followed her, feeling relief to be away from Lucius. She brought me into a sitting room, crafted of more marble and dark wood. There was a roaring fire in the fireplace, a couple chairs with a table in the middle of them and a piano in the corner. The room was dark, but cozy. There was a window on the right side that looked out on the driveway. The snow was falling harder now.

She sat down in a chair and motioned for me to sit across from her. With a flick of her wand, a tray of tea and biscuits appeared on the coffee table. She grabbed a teacup and saucer and I did the same.

"So tell me, how long have you been with Draco?" She asked pleasantly. She was so much nicer than her husband, but still, I detected a hint of snobbiness.

"Since the beginning of the school year, in September. You have a wonderful son."

She chuckled. "Oh he better be. He is representing the family name after all. Darling, where are you from?"

This was the question I had been dreading. Since I grew up so close, I'm sure they knew the area and had already formed their own low opinion of it. "Um... it's about 3o minutes from here actually. Down by the village."

"Oh! How lovely, you're so close. We should have your family over for Christmas too!"

My stomach dropped. "Oh... erm... my parents are actually visiting my aunt and uncle in Brighton." I felt bad lying, but it would be an absolute disaster if my parents came. First of all, they don't even know I have a boyfriend, and if they knew, they would freak out. It would also just be so awkward and strained.

We chatted for a little while longer and she told me some stories about a young Draco and her days at Hogwarts. I was laughing at the thought of Draco as a toddler.

Someone cleared their throat at the doorway and we both turned around. "I would appreciate it mother if you left the storytelling to me. Some facts do have an annoying habit of getting twisted." He had a smirk on his face.

"Oh Draco, you are so dramatic! I see you take to your father's ways." A flicker of hurt flashed across his face. "Why don't you give Dana a tour?"

He nodded and I got up, going to his side. Mrs. Malfoy Apparated to another part of the house and it was just us two now.

He took my hand lightly and we set off. He showed me around the extensive manor and I was in awe. The whole place was either marble or dark wood and it was so nice. I felt cozy and warm here. They had so many rooms that clearly were not used. One of these rooms being the library he had now brought me to.

The room opened up with large ceilings and there were shelves lining the walls, with a small balcony extending out from one of the shelves. I was in love instantly. There was a gliding ladder on the other shelf, much like the one from Beauty and the Beast. 

"Draco... I-. This is so cool." I didn't know where to look, my eyes were looking in all different directions. There was a table in the center, made for working and a plush lounge chair near the window. I could already imagine myself hiding out here all the time.

He stood there with his hands in his pockets, watching me absorb the room in. "We have 2 libraries, this one and the other library connects to my parents' room, and is much smaller than this one. Come on, I want to show you your room."

He led me past more rooms and finally stopped at one, with grand dark doors. Inside, was a beautiful bedroom fit for a princess. In the middle of the room, backed against a wall, was a four poster bed. Off to the side was a gorgeous marble bathroom. 

"Oh Draco, this is insane. This is beautiful." 

He walked over to the closet door, "This is a fake closet, it doesn't have a back, but instead a passageway that leads to my room." He turned around with a huge smile on his face. He pointed across the room, "You can use that real closet over there." 

I laughed. "I would expect nothing less in the home of Draco Malfoy. Oh, this is too funny."

He held his hand out, and I grabbed it. We walked through the closet passageway. It was dark and a little cramped but eventually we made it to the end. We stepped out into his room now.

It was exactly like what I expected. Rich, wealthy and a hint of teenage arrogance. His room setup was a little like mine, just bigger and more lived-in. He had another room extension that looked like a sitting room. I dropped his hand and raced over to the window. I pressed up against the glass, looking at the gardens beyond.

I could feel his presence move closer to me. "It's a pretty view isn't it?" He asked. He came right up next to me, and his close presence was nice.

"It's beautiful. Your home is so lovely." I turned around, and I didn't realize how close he was. His face was mere inches from mine. I looked into his soft gray eyes, and he leant down a bit and kissed me. It was a soft kiss, and he put his arms around my waist. I loved kissing Draco. 

He broke the kiss after a while. "Come on, you need to get ready for dinner. Once you're ready, come back here. "

I went back to my room through the passageway and got ready for dinner. I picked out plaid dress pants and a black turtleneck. I put on some nice gold accessories and headed towards Draco's room.

The Malfoy dining room was formal and just what you would expect in a manor. A long wooden table, portraits hanging on the walls, and grand windows looking out on the estate. There were four places set at the table and we sat down.

It was a quiet, formal dinner peppered with questions about school, life, and other chit chat. Mr. Malfoy did not talk much, but that was okay because, quite frankly, I was scared of him.

-

As I got ready for bed that night, I felt a sort of inner peace that I have not felt in a long time. I wasn't happy but at least I wasn't sad either. It was more of a calm sense. And I feared that this could be the calm before a storm. 

The snow was still falling, but much more lightly now. I walked over towards the window and it overlooked the expansive garden that was their backyard. I couldn't wait to explore it while I was here. Suddenly, I heard a rustle in my closet and out emerged a smiling Draco.

"We really should have some sort of system." I said. "What if I was changing?"

He playfully smirked. "Well, would that be such a bad thing after all?" I laughed and he walked over, cutting off my laugh with a kiss. He was warm and he smelled so clean and... rich. His kiss was passionate and he wrapped his arms around me. I put my hands around his neck and deepened the kiss.

He broke the kiss and sat down in the spinning office chair that accompanied the dark oak desk. He spun around once or twice and stopped, looking over at me. "How do you find the Manor?"

"Beautiful. I absolutely love it. If I lived here, I would get homesick every day at Hogwarts."

"Mhmm, yes. Well, with charming parents like mine, it's nice to escape their gaze for a while. Where they can't harass me or just make me feel like I'm doing a shit job at everything." His hand hand had now made a fist and he looked up at me, embarrassment flooding his face. "Oh. I'm sorry. I-"

I cut him off. "Draco, listen to me." I sit down on my bed, looking at him. "I am so, so proud of you and I want you to know that you don't need your parent's constant validation. You try your best every day and that should be enough. You wake up each morning. That is an accomplishment enough. I don't think that they will ever understand."

A singular tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away furiously. "Thank you Dana. You... you don't understand how much those words mean to me. Thank you."

"Sleep here tonight. I think you could use some company." I get up, walking into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

I walked back out and Draco had changed into his pajamas, which consisted of no shirt and flannel pants. God, he was so hot. I crawled into the massive four poster bed, which had sheer drapes that were currently pinned back to each poster. The bed was insanely soft. Nothing like my creaky, rickety old bed at home, and even though the Hogwarts beds were comfortable, they were outshined by this bed. Draco laid down next to me, his warmth spreading to me.

"My parents are shitty too. I get it more than you think." I said. We were both laying there, staring up at the ceiling.

"Tell me."

"Well, and God this makes me feel guilty saying all this, because they're not horrible people and I think that makes it worse. They're not inherently toxic people or abusive, they just... I don't know, I can't explain it. My dad has so much childhood trauma that grows worse every day and he doesn't do anything about it to help himself heal. And this leads to him putting this insane pressure on me to be... perfect all the time. I don't really think of him as my father anymore, but more a parental figure. 

"I just want to be close to him, but he makes it so hard. He's so controlling and it's such an uphill battle to even get a conversation out of him. It's a very complicated relationship. Because when we do have conversations, they're amazing and I love it. I miss the days when I could laugh and giggle while we played together in the front yard. And I feel this terrible guilt that I want to escape all the time because it's not like he's done anything wrong.

"And my mom. She's... she's broken. This is the first time I've said it out loud." I stop and choke back a sob. Tears are pouring from eyes, but it feels so good to let it out. "I think she wants out, but feels an immense guilt at those thoughts and pushes them away. And... their marriage is failing. It hurts to watch it tear apart, slowly and I'm powerless to do anything to it."

I stop and release a breath. I sob and he hugs me, pulling me close to him. I cry on his shoulder for a while and he releases me. I wiped the tears from my eyes and I said, "Ok, now you tell me what's on your mind." 

He ran his hands through his hair and released a breath. "Well, with my parents, there's this need for perfection, all. The. Time. Since I'm the only child of one of the most prestigious pureblood families, I have a spotlight on me. Because of this, I've crafted a reputation and facade that some days feel so real it's hard to tell anymore. And my father expects me to never falter under pressure which is impossible! I've tried so hard and I can't. And my mother, she always points out my flaws and my faults.

"I think my father gets so wrapped up in his reputation that he genuinely forgets I'm his son and not simply a _Malfoy_. It's hard to explain but it leaves me so empty some days." Draco finishes and there's a tear in each eye. I lean forward and wrap him in my arms. I rest my head on his shoulder, and he puts his on mine. We sit there in a familiar silence, each understanding and knowing the others' pain.

After a while, we fell asleep in each other's arms. I have never felt safer and more fulfilled.


	10. chapter 10

There were 3 days left until Christmas and as the date got closer, the more hectic the Manor got. It was not unusual to see a house elf running around with pine garlands or balancing an extravagant dessert in their hands. The Manor was decked out in Christmas decorations now, a more traditional and classy approach: pine garlands, tartan, red and white colors. There was a magnificent tree in the sitting room, it was so tall that it almost touched the ceiling. It was decorated beautifully, and there were already a couple gifts under the tree.

So different from the mismatch and jumble of the Christmas decorations at home. We still had all the ornaments that we made in elementary school on proud display. The string of lights that went around our tree always had bulbs out. My father refused to buy new ones because "it still worked" according to him. 

Today, I was planning to go to the nearest village to finish my Christmas shopping. Draco was coming with me. It was now that I grabbed my coat and met him in the foyer.

"How long is the walk?" He asked again, not accustomed to walking everywhere.

"Well, unless you have a pair of bikes, it takes only 25 minutes down there. Oh, stop groaning, that's nothing. It'll be nice to get some fresh air."

We set off towards the village and the crisp, cold air filled my lungs and felt so refreshing. There was still snow in the fields and backyards, but the streets were cleared which was good. The main street was crowded with bustling shoppers all getting their last minute shopping done.

"Draco, I say we meet back here in 40 minutes, I don't want you seeing your Christmas gift yet." He went off in the other direction and I headed first to the general store, to get knick knacks and small things for everyone. After that, I visited all the stores that the village had to offer, which was successful. I had everyone's gifts and I managed to buy Draco some candles and a broomstick care kit. 

I met up with Draco at a cafe and he too had bags on his arms with gifts.The cafe was cozy and warm, which was nice because it was starting to get quite chilly outside. I ordered a hot chocolate and a croissant for lunch.

As we sat down Draco said, "Guests should be arriving soon." 

I took a sip of my hot chocolate, which was still piping hot and asked, "Who's coming?"

"Lots of aunts and uncles, and friends of my parents. My Aunt Bellatrix and Uncle Regulus are coming, they're lots of fun. I think you'll like them. Aunt Bellatrix is a bit obsessed with blood purity too though. Usually I spend the day in my room, hiding from them, but now that you're here, I'll come out." He said, taking a bite of his sandwich.

We chit chatted about the plans, which sounded so extravagant. Once we had finished eating, we started making our way back to the Manor. "Draco, do you have any movies at home? We should watch some."

"We only have dumb classics that are boring and I can't stand."

"Well, where's the nearest library, we can rent some VHS tapes." We turned back towards the village, stopping in at the local library. Fortunately the library had some really good choices and I picked out Pulp Fiction and Little Women, both of which had come out this year. Draco picked out the Star Wars series.

He rolled his eyes when I picked out Little Women. "That's such a girly film, seriously?"

"I could say the same about Star Wars. And I have a good feeling you'll like Little Women. Don't be so quick to judge!" I said back. After we got the movies from the library we headed back towards the Manor. The sun was already starting to lower in the sky and we quickened our pace.

After dinner, I showered and got ready for bed. A loud cracking sound came from the bedroom and I hurried out of the bathroom. A house elf stood with a note in its hands, looking apprehensive.

"Soapy has brought you note from master Draco. Soapy leave now." She handed me the note and before I could even thank her, she disappeared with another loud crack.

**Dana -**

**come over, I'm lonely**

I smiled at the note. I put on a sweatshirt and snuck through the passageway over to Draco's room. He was brushing his teeth in the bathroom and looked up into the mirror. He winked at my reflection and I smiled. He had on flannel pajama pants and a black sweatshirt on. He finished brushing his teeth and walked over towards me.

"I thought that since the sky is clear tonight, we could go and look at the stars?" He suggested with a shy smile.

"Draco, stop, that's so cute. I would love to."

He looks relieved, as if he expected me to ridicule him at his choice. That made me feel sad that he expected me to laugh at him. I reached out for his hand and he grabbed it. I gave his hand a small squeeze and I saw him smile from the corner of my eyes. He led me out of his room, out to a balcony that overlooked the gardens.

"Look at how clear the sky is!" Draco said. "Did you know that I'm named after a constellation?" He pointed towards the long, swooping group of stars in the sky. Draco the Dragon.

"I figured that out. Me and my father liked to stargaze when we could. I think that's the only form of bonding we have. Which is sad, but I'll take what I can get."

He nodded in understanding. I propped my head up with my hands, leaning on the railing. The sky was clear, and the moon was a tiny sliver in the sky. The stars glittered in the sky, shining millions of lightyears away. You could even see the Milky Way star band, a murky white stripe painting itself across the sky.

Standing under the stars, I felt so at peace. I was once again reminded of how small I am and how life is so precious. I couldn't quite describe the feeling - wonder, awe, and beauty. I looked over at Draco, who was looking up at the sky. His face was filled with curiosity and wonder. He was so beautiful.

"What's your favorite constellation?" Draco asked softly.

"Probably Cassiopeia or Gemini. I love the story behind Cassiopeia- the queen who boasted about her beauty so much, they stuck her in the sky. And there's just something about the twins, me and my father would get so excited seeing them so I guess they remind me of him." I smiled at the memory of my father and I stargazing. 

"That's nice, I think my favorite is Aquila. I don't know why, I'm just drawn to it."

We stood there in silence for a little while longer, gazing up at the stars. Mutual understanding of hurt and healing passed through us wordlessly. We both understood how far we had come from that one summer day and how much farther we still needed to go. But we were here. Together. Even after everything, we were still here.

Breaking the silence, Draco asked, "Dance with me?" He held out his hand towards me and I grabbed it, nodding.

"There's no music though." I pointed out.

He shook his head. "We don't need music to dance." 

With one hand in his, I put my other hand on his shoulder and he put his other hand on my waist, pulling me close to him. We moved back and forth, spinning around that balcony, with nothing but each other's company for a while. He began to hum softly, a tune I couldn't recognize. Even though it was a cold night, our combined warmth kept it the chill at bay.

I would've loved nothing more than to dance with him until the end of time, but it got too cold. I took one last look at the stars and he led me inside. We got back to his room, and he let go of me and ran over to his bed, launching himself onto it, laughing. I followed, jumping right up next to him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him.

He kissed me, with a passion and fire behind it. He crawled on top of me, straddling me and deepened the kiss. He broke the kiss, sitting up now, taking off his shirt. I threw off my sweatshirt too.

"Take that off." Draco demanded, referring to my tank top. I slowly peeled it off, keeping eye contact with him. I could see his patience wearing thin. As soon as it was off and my bare chest was exposed, he swooped down on me, kissing me. He ran his hand along my jaw, down to my breasts. He drew circles around them, his cold fingers feeling nice against my warm skin. He took one hand and softly stroked my cheek, so gently, as if he was scared I would crack with his touch. "You are so beautiful Dana. Are you ready to be fucked like there's no tomorrow?" He asked.

I didn't have time to answer before his mouth was back on mine and his hands were now on the waistband of my pants. He pulled off my pants and wrenched my underwear off as well. He spreads my legs out and lowers his head towards my vagina, looking back up at me with hungry eyes. I nod my head in approval.

His tongue starts playing around the entrance, making me feel weak. "Draco-" I whimpered. The sound of my begging must've lighted something in him, because his tongue entered me. I grabbed the back of his neck and moaned out his name. My legs felt weak and I could see that there was a devilish smile spread across his face.

"Say my name again." He demanded.

I moaned out his name again and this sparked something in him. He pulled off his pants, revealing that he was already hard. He grabbed a condom off his drawer and slid it on. He pinned both my hands near my head, holding me down and thrusted inside of me. He went slowly at first and gradually got harder and faster.

He pulled out and I looked at him in confusion. "You like that huh?" He asked, with a smirk on his face.

"Draco please-" He thrusted inside of me, and I groaned in pleasure. I could feel my climax getting closer. By the look on his face, his climax was close too. I came and he came right after me. He pulled out and rolled over, laying next to me. We lay there, panting in silence for a bit.

"Draco, I-. Wow." He was amazing in bed. He knew what he was doing and he knew it.

He rolled onto his side and looked into my eyes. He gave my cheek a soft stroke and pressed a kiss to my temple.

After a little while we put our pajamas on and crawled under the warm blankets. He snuggled up close to me, pulling me close to him. I twirled my fingers mindlessly through his hair as we traded stories about our childhood back and forth. I fell asleep entwined in his arms, happy and safe.

-

The next day we watched a movie, Pulp Fiction, which we both enjoyed. It was another clear winter day, so we went out in the backyard to play in the snow.

I was bundled in so many layers of winter clothing that I was practically on the verge of sweating. Draco told me that behind the initial gardens, there was an open lawn area. We trudged through the snow, which was quite deep, and the garden pathways did indeed open up to the lawn. "Mother likes to host croquet banquets here in the summer, which I can tell you, are extremely boring. But it's nice to play in the snow during winter."

I ran past him, shouting behind me, "Come on, let's build a snowman." Draco smiled and bent down, starting to gather snow into a large ball. I took this chance and balled up snow and chucked it at him. He was clearly caught off guard and gave me the middle finger. He proceeded to throw his snowball at me, which I dodged.

He quickly had a replacement and started to run towards me. "Don't run away from me!" He warned, but I was already gone.

I shrieked and went running away from him. I tripped over a tree root and fell into the soft snow. I could see him barreling towards me, like a madman. I covered my face with my hands as he chucked the ball of snow onto my face. He tackled me, both of us rolling around in the snow. He was laughing and it was quite possibly one of the best sounds I've ever heard. His laugh was so genuine and nice, and I felt lucky to be able to hear it.

He caught his breath and said, "I won. You lose."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh come on. Real winners would never admit that. I think I won."

"Shut it." Draco tossed some snow my way and I shrieked.

We stayed outside in the snow for a while and he showed me around the grounds a bit. It was a little hard to visualize the grandeur under the blanket of snow. The gardens were beautiful, much like those European gardens you see in magazines and tv shows. Of course the Malfoy's had a perfect garden. Beyond the estate, which was marked by a tall fence, lay the farmlands and rural layout of the surrounding houses.

In the opposite direction was the village, and just beyond that was my house. I tried to imagine what my family would be doing right now. I'm sure it was something boring and awful. 

We headed back inside and the warmth of the house was nice compared to the biting cold outside.

"We should probably wrap our presents and send them off today." I suggested.

He nodded his head. "Meet me in that library that I showed you the other day. I'm gonna get changed. Someone got snow all over me."

I laughed. I walked back to my room and got changed. I put on a comfy outfit of jeans and a sweatshirt. I grabbed the bag of gifts and brought it with me. Draco was already in the library when I met him there. The library was just as beautiful as the other day. It had a long table in the center, which currently had gift wrapping supplies covering every available spot of space.

There were also two steaming mugs of hot chocolate and I smiled. He was so sweet. I laid out all my gifts that I had bought for everyone. I had Harry, Ron, Hermione, the twins, Neville and Luna's gifts all spread out. 

Draco's gift pile was not as large as mine. I felt bad that he didn't have that many close friends. But I knew he preferred it that way. I just loved surrounding myself with lots of friends.

We laughed and joked around for a while. It was so interesting to see that when all pressures of a reputation and people judging him were gone, Draco was a completely different person. It made me sad but also irritated that he felt like he couldn't be himself in school. I wished he allowed himself to open up and be more vulnerable. He is a good person underneath, but never allows other people to see him.

Oh well, at least I got to see this side of him. I felt special that he considered me close enough to show me this side of him. Hopefully Draco would grow out of this eventually. 

After wrapping all the presents he lent me some of the family owls to send my gifts to the Weasley's. My own owl, Pip, a tawny owl, stayed at Hogwarts for the holidays.

As he was putting the stuff away he said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you that there's always a party tonight where all the rich kids around attend. You wanna go? This local Muggle hosts, he obviously has no idea that there are wizards around but for a Muggle, the party is fun."

My eyes widened. "Of course I would like to go, is that even a question?? I had no idea that there was even a party scene around here."

He smiled. "Good, it's so much fun. It's quite legendary, it lives up to its reputation. Just imagine the raunchiest, horniest party held in the richest, most fragile mansions. It's insane."

"What time does it start? I have to get ready!" I said, getting excited. Parties and gatherings always made me feel alive and electric inside.

"In 2 hours. You need 2 hours to get ready?" He asked, incredulous.

"You'd be surprised. And I always end up getting distracted. Do you know if there's themes? Dress codes??" I asked frantically, my mind going faster than my thoughts could keep up with. 

He laughed. "Dana, it's a party. Just wear whatever you would to a party."

I nodded my head and headed back towards my room. I mentally started planning my outfit, going through my wardrobe that I brought with me. Fortunately I am always ready at all times and had brought two party dresses with me. I had the same green dress I had worn at the Slytherin party all those months ago and a new gold dress that I had bought in Hogsmeade. The green one had a swoop of fabric in the front, while the gold one had a deep v neckline. I weighed both options and decided to go with the gold dress. 

I showered and cleaned myself up really nicely. I applied my makeup and had to redo it because I messed it up. I had on a simple makeup look, a light shimmer of eye shadow on my eyelids, eyeliner, and lip gloss. I checked myself in the mirror and spun around. Perfect. I heard Draco coming through the closet door and double checked again. Still good.

"Ready to go?" I heard him call.

"Yep!" I walked out and his eyes roamed over my body, sending my stomach tingling. He had on black pants and a button down with the sleeves rolled up and the top buttons undone.

He sauntered over towards me and landed a kiss on my lips. I pulled away, swatting at him. "Draco! I just applied that coat of lipgloss! You messed it up."

He grinned. "Is that such a bad thing?" He leaned down again and I gave up. He kissed me, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist. We broke the kiss and I grabbed my winter coat. I had my heels on and I wondered how we were getting there, because I sure as hell was not teetering around the streets in my heels all night.

As if he could read my thoughts, Draco said, "Is traveling by broomstick ok?"

I stared at him in silence. "Broomsticks?" I repeated slowly, not believing that idea had left his lips.

"I- Um, yes?"

"It's going to mess up my hair! How am I supposed to fly in a _dress and heels_???" I complained.

"It's the only way. Unless you don't want to go?" He said, with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

I groaned. "Fine. Let's get this over with." Flying in heels. Never in my entire life had I ever imagined something like this. Good God. This party better be as legendary as Draco hyped it up to be. We walked out the back, on the balcony, where two broomsticks were lying. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for this. I climbed on and took off, soaring into the cold winter air.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I would never admit this fact to him though. Draco led the way, with me trailing a bit farther behind than necessary because I was going slowly so as to minimize hair damage. We flew in the opposite direction of the village, heading deeper into the wealthy area. We passed unimaginably huge mansions, with sprawling estates reaching for miles behind them. There was a singular road that we followed, watching the cars pass beneath us. He started to descend downwards and I followed.

Draco landed on the road and said, "Probably best not to land in the front lawn on broomsticks, so we can just walk the rest of the way." He stashed his broomstick in the bush on the side of the road.

"Um. How far is this walk..." I looked down at my heels and he followed my gaze.

"Not far, I promise. If your feet start hurting I can carry you." He said, in all seriousness.

We started off and when we rounded the corner, the massive mansion rose up ahead of us. Huge metal gates sat at the end of the driveway and were currently swung wide open. People were pouring in. All of them were dressed to the nines and had expensive, rare fur coats on. My winter jacket felt cheap and tacky compared to theirs. 

The circular driveway led to the mansion which looked more like a palace. It had 3 stories, and was quite long in length. Where the Malfoy manor was class and elegance, this place was indeed raunchy and showy.

In the middle of the driveway was a big fountain, which had water spraying from it. A couple was making out on the edge of it. The driveway had cars dropping people off and even more people were walking in. The steps leading up to the front door were marble and the pillars near the door were graceful and massive. This was nothing like your average high school party, this was a rich kids party. I was excited to see the insides now. 

There was a bouncer at the door who asked for everyone's name. Draco's name got immediate access. We handed our jackets to a woman at the entrance. I straightened my dress and smoothed my hair down. I turned around and my jaw dropped at the sight. 

The inside was purely white with hints of gold. A harsh contrast to the dark, gloomy Malfoy Manor. The foyer was airy and massive, with a dual staircase leading up the second floor. To both the right and left were sitting rooms, which had teens groping and kissing each other. The music was pulsing through the massive house. It echoed off the empty walls, creating a weird effect. Everywhere you looked, there were people making out, half naked and dazed. Straight ahead, there was a living room, where the makeshift dance floor was. The furniture was pushed against the wall and there was a DJ in the middle. People were jumping around, in different states of euphoria, some on a different planet completely. 

Draco led me towards the dance floor and I felt my adrenaline running. The music pulsed in my heart and I let loose. We jumped around on the dark dance floor, the only form of lighting being LED lights placed around the room. Song after song we stayed out on the floor, screaming the lyrics and jumping around on one another. I was having the time of my life. There were no thoughts in my head, just the lyrics of the song bouncing around in the walls of my brain. The music was so loud it didn't allow any room for thought.

I felt free. I felt unchained and loose. All that mattered was Draco and I. No thoughts of school, grades, friendship trouble, or depression. It was all gone. Now this, _this_ was a party. 

The doors to the back yard were open and the cool air that came in gusts through the room felt so nice against my sweaty skin. I looked out the doors and there were people scattered all over the yard, in different displays of undress. There was a hot tub that was crammed with people, some just completely naked. Beer bottles, champagne glasses, and red cups littered the lawn. There were circles of people smoking and doing other sorts of drugs. This is what you get when you leave the rich kids of England to party. This Mecca of teenage carelessness. All their money and wealth could bring them anything. And so they partied.

After a while, we left the dance floor in search of a quieter place to gather our thoughts. We went around the house, but everywhere, there were people kissing, having sex, or passed out. Finally we found an empty bathroom after searching for a bit. I made sure to lock the door behind me so no one else could come in. The music could still be heard from this bathroom, pulsing and vibrating.

I let out a deep breath and smiled. I was having so much fun. And I wouldn't want to party with anyone else other than Draco at my side.

"I told you it was insane." He said, his voice a little hoarse from screaming.

"Uh- yea. I am blown away. This is crazy." I replied. I had never actually been to a high school party because I had never attended a regular high school, but from the movies, this was very much the opposite of it. It still had the core elements of a teen party though, just upscale. Draco chuckled and pulled out a blunt from his pocket.

"I brought my own." He said, answering my thoughts. He lit it up and inhaled deeply, he passed it off to me and I stalled. I didn't want this to become a habit. The last time I smoked was over 2 months ago and I hadn't felt cravings since I reminded myself. I took it from his hand and inhaled. We passed it back and forth for a little bit.

He turned his body on me and kissed me. I jumped up on the counter and wrapped my arms around his neck. He had one hand on the counter, one hand on my cheek, kissing me with passion. My hands were now in his soft blonde hair, playing with it.

I put my head on his shoulder and laid there for a little while. We were both silent, letting the music wash over our bodies. We left the bathroom after someone tried to physically break down the door. 

We wandered around the mansion, exploring the grounds and the interior. Draco remarked on all the Muggle items around the house. The party looked like it was going to end at the crack of dawn and we started making our way out. As we were leaving, I saw a Ravenclaw boy and we both made eye contact and mutually nodded at each other, acknowledging each other's presence.

As we flew back to the Manor, the wind rippled through my hair and this time I didn't mind it. The cold wind felt so nice against my hot skin. I could feel myself growing unusually sleepy and drowsy. I barely landed on the balcony and slowly made my way towards my bedroom. I tripped over my own feet and Draco grabbed me, leading me towards his room.

I stumbled towards his bed and flopped on it, not bothering to take any of my makeup off or changing into my pajamas. I felt the consciousness of reality slipping away and passed out.


	11. chapter 11

Christmas Eve. One of my favorite nights of the year. Along with New Year's Eve and the Summer Solstice, of course. I personally think that Christmas Eve is honestly better than Christmas Day because the buildup and excitement is unmatched by anything else. 

Guests were arriving every hour, bundled up from the extreme chill that had taken over England. I was getting changed out of my pajamas and into my clothes for the day when the sounds of a new guest arriving floated up to the second floor. The Manor was quite crowded now and the silence that I was used to was now pierced with the sounds of laughter, chatter, and gossip.

I heard Draco knock on my door and he came in. "Aunt Bellatrix and Uncle Regulus have just come in, that's why there's so much noise." He said. "They're everyone's favorites. When things have settled down a little more, you should come say hi."

"Oh I would love to, I've heard so much about them." I said.

I could hear someone making their way noisily down the hall. I assumed it was a house elf, grumbling about their jobs. The door flew open and a woman with black, messy, curly hair stood at the door, with her arms dramatically spread out.

"Draco!" She shrilly screamed. She stomped over to him and wrapped him in a huge hug. She looked up from his shoulder, only just noticing me. She withdrew from the embrace, a curious look on her face. "Now who's this?"

"That's Dana." He blushed. "My girlfriend."

It was my turn to blush now. I smiled sheepishly, my stomach a pit of anxiety at the thought of meeting new people. "Hi." I said, choking on my words.

"Darling!" She exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. Just as she walked closer to me, someone shouted her name somewhere in the house. I was saved by a moment of refuge.

I could see Draco relax a little bit as well. "Well, that's Bellatrix." He said.

"She's certainly... lively." I replied.

The rest of the day was spent meeting relatives and awkward conversations. Finally, the Christmas Eve dinner was getting closer and I could escape to my room to get ready for a little while. I had brought a fancy dress for this and I was excited to wear it. It was a black velvet wrap dress that was ruffled along the bottom of the dress.

I showered, put on my makeup, and got dressed for the dinner, taking a little more time than needed, trying to put off the inevitable. I heard Draco coming through the closet and added the final touches on my look. He had on a black suit, which was so attractive. The black was such a stark contrast to his white blonde hair.

I grabbed his arm and we made our way down to the dining room. The Manor was decorated beautifully, and the fresh smell of pine wafted through the halls now. The dining hall had been converted from a family dining room to a large, fancy party room and a long, mahogany table stretched out, with chairs lining the sides. Everyone was milling around, spilling out from the dining room into the living room, chatting and laughing with glasses of champagne in their hands.

Floating trays of horderves and champagne passed between people, somehow not bumping into anyone. I grabbed a glass as it passed by me. After a little bit of small talk with Draco's relatives, Lucius and Narcissa tapped their glasses with knives in a bid to get everyone's attention. Silence fell among everyone, and we all turned to face the hosts.

"Welcome distinguished guests!" Lucius boomed, spreading his arms out openly. "This Christmas, let's focus on each other and what family means. Family is what makes a celebration like this possible. Let's celebrate with joy and thankfulness, with warmth and grace." He raised his glass in the air and everyone else rose their glass in the air as well. "To family." 

People cheered and all took seats at the table. Draco led me over to a chair, and sat down next to me. Regulus and Bellatrix sat across from us. Lucius snapped his fingers and the first course appeared on the table, much like it does at Hogwarts. There were dinner rolls, soups, and salads. I filled up my plate, but made sure to leave room for the upcoming meals.

We exchanged conversation about many different topics, and I found that while Regulus was reserved, his knowledge was fascinating. As the dinner went on, Bellatrix was telling stories about her childhood at Hogwarts and even though it seemed like Draco had heard these stories a million times, he was still invested in them.

I told them stories about growing up around Muggles, which was quite foreign to them and they hung onto every word I said. By the time dessert came out, we were well acquainted. For dessert I had a slice of red velvet cake and another glass of champagne. By this time, I think I had had 3 glasses, but it was starting to fade all together. I was tipsy, but not drunk.

Once all the plates were cleared, everyone piled into the living room, falling into couches and chairs. Lucius sat down at the piano and started playing some notes. He began to play Christmas carols and some people started singing. As the night went on, the crowd got louder and more rowdier.

"Silence, silence my dear friends." Lucius said, standing up. He beckoned for everyone to quiet down. "For my newcomers, this song is sacred here. We do not take this one lightly. Keep up." He sat back down with a flourish, taking a huge swig of beer.

He started playing the familiar tune of "12 Days of Christmas" and everyone clapped and cheered. As he had said, this was clearly a tradition. Everyone was singing, and a sense of warm camaraderie swept through the room. Some people got up and stood around the piano, drunkenly shouting the lyrics at the top of their lungs. At the "5 gold rings" part, the volume increased every time. Even Draco was having a good time, which was rare around his family.

After Lucius was done at the piano, everyone sat around, exchanging stories of Christmas pasts and childhoods. It was so interesting hearing about their youth and all the trouble they got up to. The alcohol was flowing even faster now and someone had left to get the poker chips.

Lucius suddenly stood up. "Draco!" He boomed, and Draco looked startled. "Why don't you play the piano for us dear boy?"

Draco's eyes widened and he looked timid. I had never seen him look like this before. I also had no idea that Draco could play the piano. He stood up slowly, walking over to the piano, and sat down.

He started to play "Fur Elise" and a hush settled over the room. He played beautifully, and I was entranced, watching him. He was so focused and quiet, and the music that came from the piano danced through the room, soaring and swooping. His fingers flew across the ivories, and he closed his eyes, deep in concentration.

Once Draco had finished, everyone started clapping and I could see a blush spread across his face. He looked over at me and blushed harder. Bellatrix called for an encore and so he tilted his head back down, playing another piece.

Draco finished playing and sat back down quickly. I looked over at the clock and it read 11:30. I was shocked, I had not realized what time it was. It felt like we had just eaten dinner an hour ago. I sat back for a minute, taking it all in. I looked around the room, at all the smiling faces, the warm mood, and Draco. He was sitting next to me, playing poker with his family members. I had elected not to play, too scared to take part in something so personal. Of course, I knew how to play poker, I had often played with my own family members on special occasions, but this felt different.

I suppressed a yawn and rubbed my eyes. "Draco." I whispered. He looked over at me. "I'm going to bed now." I stood up, swaying a bit, and walked back to my room. The room spun a bit, and then righted itself. I slowly got ready for bed, showering again, and taking off my makeup. I don't remember much, but I eventually found my way to the bed. I barely hit the pillow before I was asleep.

-

I woke up to the sound of harsh knocks at the door. "Wake up!! Christmas morning!" I didn't recognize the voice, but groaned. I was exhausted and I had a light headache. I grabbed the glass of water at my bedside table and downed it quickly. The clock read 7:30. I threw off my sheets, getting up. I saw that Draco was passed out on a chair, his clothes from last night still on, albeit rumpled.

"Draco. Wake up. We have to go downstairs. Merry Christmas." He started to stir and I left him to wake up, while I went to freshen up in the bathroom. I didn't know what the Christmas morning dress code was, but I had a feeling it wasn't pajamas and sweats like it was at home.

I came out and Draco was finally up. "Good morning." He said, yawning.

"Good morning. What should I wear?"

"Oh, this is our one normal day a year. We actually wear pajamas to open gifts."

My jaw fell. "No- You're kidding. The Malfoys wear pajamas??"

He laughed. "Yeah, I know, surprising isn't it?" He opened my door and we headed downstairs. I could hear other people slowly making their way downstairs to the living room.

In the living room, there was a flurry of activity. As far as I could tell, no one had started opening gifts yet. People were clambering to get seats and settle down. A house elf came around with a tray of coffee and tea and I grabbed a steaming mug of tea. 

Once everyone had settled down, Narcissa made the first move for the Christmas tree and suddenly everyone was up, and chaos broke out. Never in my life would I have imagined such chaos linked with the Malfoy's. It was so unnatural, I was stunned for a good couple seconds.

Everyone took their gifts and made an area for themselves, spread out in the living room. I took all my gifts and sat down near Draco. I had gifts from Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred & George, Neville, Draco, and Luna. And of course, the infamous knitted Weasley sweater. There was a note attached to the gift from Fred and George (which was a fancy telescope, nothing like the school issued ones).

**Dear Dana,**

**I hope this gift had no trouble getting into the Malfoy Manor considering that we are pretty much #1 on their hit list. Anyway, Merry Christmas and I hope that you aren't bored to death. There is always an empty seat at the dining table here. Ron seems a bit lonely...**

**From, Fred and George**

I smiled at their note. Typical Fred and George. 

This Christmas I had a good haul. Harry had gotten me a star map that was specific to my time of birth- now I knew why he had asked all those months ago. Hermione had gotten me a nice set of Muggle classic books because she knew I complained how beaten up the school books were. Neville had gotten me a calendar of Italy, because he knew how much I loved Italy. Ron got me a tea kit, which had teas from all over the world. Luna made me a collage of all my favorite singers and bands. My parents got me CDs of my favorite bands. Draco got me a new leather journal and a camera.

"Draco!" I exclaimed, unwrapping my new camera. "Oh my gosh! You shouldn't have."

He smiled shyly. "Well, it's a special wizard camera, so the pictures will move. I know you said you wanted one."

I hugged him. "Thank you so much I can't thank you enough."

After everyone had opened their presents, we all headed into the dining room and had a big Christmas morning breakfast. Once breakfast had wrapped up, people headed their own ways for a quiet Christmas day. I headed back to my room to look over all my gifts again.

I pulled out a piece of parchment to write back to the twins.

**Dear Fred and George,**

**Well, seeing as I am writing this letter, you can assume that your gift got here safely. (Though I'm sure not without thorough inspection...) Thank you for your gift, I am very excited to put the telescope to use. Tell everyone else that I am very pleased with their gifts as well. Merry Christmas!**

**xx -Dana**

I gave my letter to an owl and it took off towards the Burrow. I spent the rest of the day in my room, looking over my presents.

Dinner that night was a sophisticated affair, nothing like the scenes of last night. However, much like last night, we all gathered around in the living room after dinner. Stories were exchanged and I sat listening.

-

Time seemed to fly between Christmas and New Year's. And yet, it also seemed to slow down, and take a deep breath. The house was filled with guests, as they all stayed for New Years. The Christmas decorations came down and everyone was getting ready for the New Year's Ball that the Malfoy's hosted.

During those in between days, I spent a lot of time exploring the English countryside with Draco. We traveled everywhere that wasn't too far to walk. The magnificent summer homes, now sleepy and boarded up stood quiet in the hills, with their owners far away in London. The rolling farmland, now covered in snow, stretched for miles. One word comes to mind when describing those days: peaceful.

But still, sad thoughts plagued me. Thoughts of loneliness and despair, of pain and guilt. When I was alone, they would haunt me. Even though I had Draco, who cared deeply for me. Even though I had friends who loved me, I couldn't get rid of these thoughts. And it made me feel guilty for some reason. I tried to push the thoughts away, but they would always come back.

I took to writing poetry. I had brought a notebook with me and now my sad words filled the pages. I hid all of this from Draco, feeling ashamed of myself.


	12. chapter 12

Soon the time gap closed between Christmas and New Year's and before I knew it, it was the last day of the year. The last day of 1995. This time last year I was preparing a New Year's Eve party at the Weasley's. Time had flown and I didn't really realize it.

New Year's Eve at the Malfoy's was quite a different affair than the raucous, loud party thrown at the Weasley's. The Malfoy's hosted a pretentious traditional annual ball every year. The Manor had a ballroom, not like the ones you see in castles or movies, but more like a large, empty room that was reserved only for dances.

I had explored it the other day, while they were preparing it. It reminded me of the ballroom from The Sound of Music, one of my all time favorite comfort movies. I had been given a selection of ball gowns from Narcissa, who apparently had a large collection from over the years. 

It was now that I looked through the selection she had left on my bed. I reckoned there were about 7 dresses there, which was overwhelming for a very indecisive person like me. I had no idea how I would make this choice. On immediate inspection, I tossed two dresses to the side that I didn't like. One was a yellow dress that was clearly inspired by Beauty and the Beast, which would look horrible on me. The other one was a bright purple dress and I was shocked that Narcissa would even go near something like that.

I was still left with 5 dresses. I laid them out over the room and decided to try them all on. I still had about 4 hours until the ball started, so I should have plenty of time I thought. I had brought my CD player with me from Hogwarts because it was portable and I'm so glad I did. I put in the new CDs I had gotten for Christmas and started trying on dresses.

Some of them were too big, which helped eliminate dresses. After about an hour, I was left with 3 dresses. One was a blush pink dress with a tulle bottom and had slightly puffed sleeves. The second option was light blue with an off the shoulder neckline, also with a tulle bottom and a tight waist. The last one was a gorgeous light violet with a tank-top style top and a tulle bottom and had flowers adorned over it.

I got rid of the pink one, thinking that it wasn't the right color for a winter ball. It was now between the blue and purple one. I heard Draco coming through the closet passageway and was relieved. Now I had someone else to help me make a decision.

"What are you up to?" He asked. I turned around and finally faced the mess that was now my room. There were clothes and hangers strewn everywhere, making a complete mess.

"Trying dresses on! You came at the perfect time, I need you to pick for me. Purple or blue?" I asked, holding up a dress in each hand.

He scrutinized each, and finally said, "The purple one. It will look nice with my tux."

"And what color is your tux?"

"A deep shade of navy. Mother picked it out for me. Where did you get all these anyway...?"

"Oh your mother laid them out for me this morning."

He walked over to one of the dresses I had discarded. "Oh God, do I remember this one." He picked up a silk gray dress that was off the shoulders and had slightly puffy sleeves. "My mother wore this one about a couple years ago. This was back when they still did themes, well the theme that year was 'Gothic Castle'. They dressed me up in this ridiculous outfit and it was so embarrassing." He put it back down, laughing at the memory.

He went through a couple more, telling me little anecdotes about each one. Some were good memories, others were not so good. As he was talking to me, I was cleaning up the room because it really was a mess. I had clothes and papers strewn everywhere.

"I have to shower now Draco. Don't you have to as well?"

He looked over at me. "Who said we were showering separately?" He grinned and I rolled my eyes playfully.

"Oh I see. Well hurry up then." I went into my bathroom, and he followed behind me. I slowly took off my top, making a show of it. I could see his lustful eyes follow my every move in the mirror. He took off his shirt and his toned stomach was so distracting. When I took off my bra, his eyes immediately looked down and I felt my stomach flip.

There was just something about the way he looked at me. It made me feel so powerful and so submissive at the same time. He slid off his trousers and now was in his boxers. I took off my pants and now we're both in our underwear. I slowly remove my panties and I lock eyes with him. I grin mischievously.

I turned on the shower water and let it heat up for a couple moments before stepping in. "Come on Draco, we have a ball to attend. Now or never." I remarked.

He slid off his boxers and stepped towards me. "Or, we could stay in here together. They wouldn't notice." He turned up the shower water hotter and caressed my arm.

"This is my first ball. I'm not missing it because you're horny." I replied.

He chuckled but said nothing. I actually tried to make an attempt at washing myself, but Draco was making it so hard for me to focus. He kept lightly touching my body, making me go wild. I applied shampoo in my hair and made sure it was nice and clean for the ball. As soon as I washed it out, Draco pushed me against the wall.

"Draco-"

He put one hand on the wall near my head, the other trailing around my face and neck. "You are just so beautiful Dana, I can't not kiss you."

I leant forward and kissed him. I put my hands on his hips and kissed a little harder. He kissed me back harder and with more passion behind it. We made out for a little while longer, his hands roaming all over my body.

I broke the kiss and gasped for breath. "Draco- I need to actually shower."

He rolled his eyes. "Alright I'll leave you to it then. I've finished, so I'll go get ready." He walked out of the shower, grabbing a towel and going back into my room to change into his formal clothes.

I finished showering, and got out. I could hear the orchestra starting to warm up downstairs and quickened my pace. I slipped into a corset, and then put the purple ball gown over it. I turned around in the mirror and felt beautiful. The dress perfectly accentuated my curves, and the bottom part flowed to the ground ever so gently. The back of the dress was criss crossed spaghetti straps. I added a silver jeweled belt around the waist, and smoothed the dress over.

I put on simple black heels, because they would be hidden under the dress so it didn't matter what they looked like. My hair was a simple look, not wanting to overdo it and I touched it up. My makeup was kept simple as well. I wanted all attention on the dress anyway.

I walked over to Draco's room, opting not to take the cramped passageway because it could ruin my dress. I knocked and he opened it, looking me up and down. He offered his arm out and I took it. He looked absolutely handsome in his navy tuxedo, which paired nicely with my light colored dress.

We walked down the grand staircase into the main foyer and the scene was beautiful. Everyone was dressed in gowns and tuxedos, with all sorts of different colors dotting the room. I had never seen anything so elegant in my life. Off to the left of the foyer was the ballroom, which was packed with people milling around, people dancing, and servants serving wine and finger foods. 

"Shall we dance?" Draco asked, leaning close to me because it was hard to hear over the chatter.

I smiled wide. "Naturally." He led me into the ballroom and we passed many familiar faces, and even more unfamiliar faces. Just as we came in the orchestra struck up a new song and he grabbed me, pulling me into the center. I laughed as he dragged me and put one hand on his shoulder, the other in his outstretched hand. His other hand went delicately around my waist.

We waltzed around the floor, twirling and spinning around. The fabric of a hundred gowns were dancing across my vision. I had never had this much fun. Draco held me close, guiding me through the dances. After a couple songs, I grew tired and I led Draco off to the side.

"Now you can see why I would just stay in my room all those years." He said, downing a glass of water.

"Oh yes, who would want to miss this awfully boring event!" I grabbed a glass of champagne and looked around. It was exactly like I had imagined it. Elegance, money, and booze. 

"Come on, follow me, I'm sweating hot right now." He led me out of the center and towards the back of the manor. We went up the stairs and to the balcony where we had stargazed the other night. I checked a clock as we had passed the library and the time read 9:18. The countdown to New Year's was getting closer.

The cool wintry air felt so lovely against my hot skin and I took a deep breath. Overlooking the gardens, I could see there were people all over the gardens - chatting, kissing, running off. I felt like I was in the middle of a princess story of some kind. The music from the orchestra floated up to the balcony ever so softly and it sounded magical.

We chatted for a little while, talking about nothing really. The stars were out again tonight and the air felt electric. Maybe it was the hope of a new year so close on the horizon, or maybe it was something else. As I stood there so close to Draco I looked up at him, into his beautiful face, the face I had seen so many emotions cross. The face that had looked down upon mine so many times. And I realized I loved him.

I had tried for so long to deny it, to hide it away, thinking that how could I possibly love someone at such a young age. But no matter how hard I tried to turn away from it, I kept coming back. I would do anything for Draco. But it wasn't just the undying devotion, it was more of the fact that I wanted Draco even on his bad days, his low days, days when he felt nothing. Because I would follow blindly, led by a feeling so strong, no magic could ever break it.

It was in the silence, the dark rooms, when I was all alone that I could feel it the most strongly.

"We should go back now." Draco said, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, yes. I'll come back in a second, I need to use the bathroom." He nodded and turned back.

A single tear slid down my cheek as more built in my eyes. I was so overcome by emotion. It wasn't a sad tear or a happy tear, but rather a tear of a culmination of emotions I couldn't quite explain. I didn't know if Draco loved me back or if the thought had ever crossed his mind, but I didn't want to find out. Even though I had grown so close to Draco and knew how he worked, I knew that loving someone was out of the question for him. _Love_ just wasn't something he did.

Maybe someday, but would someday ever come? I couldn't just live off the thought that _someday_ he would love me back. So I wiped the tear from my eye, painted a smile on my face and turned around. I took a deep breath and smoothed everything over. I would love Draco until he swept me aside, like he did everything else.

Back downstairs, the party was getting louder and more raucous as midnight grew closer. Everyone danced a couple more rounds and then headed out to the back garden for the countdown. It was chilly, but I didn't really feel it. I thought of what the Weasleys were doing right now. The twins had probably set up a fireworks display and I could just imagine Molly gripping a glass of champagne, anxious of something going wrong. I could see them all watching it together, laughing at one another's jokes. Happy. With a pang of homesickness for a home I didn't call mine, I missed the Burrow. I missed the simplicity of it, the familiar coziness. 

I was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of the countdown. I joined, my voice shouting the numbers. At the stroke of midnight, the Manor's own set of fireworks went off, and Draco pulled me in for a kiss. I kissed him hard and passionately, and he retuned the same vigor. 

A new year. 1996. I could only imagine what it held in store for me. Hopefully it had all the answers to the questions I had been asking.


	13. chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of suicide

As the holiday break wrapped up, I started looking forward to going back to Hogwarts. I missed the routine familiarity and the odd comfort of doing the same thing every day. I knew I would quickly grow tired of that within 2 weeks, but for now, I missed it.

I spent my last day at the Manor finishing up school work that had been assigned over break and packing my bags. We were leaving first thing tomorrow morning. I couldn't wait to see all my friends and my teachers.

I also needed the forceful push of being productive. I could feel myself slipping again and I need to hang on. The distraction of school was almost enough to keep those thoughts away. I couldn't let them overtake me. I wished that they had some sort of therapy system at Hogwarts. Honestly, it was more shocking that they didn't. What with all these children? Maybe I could start one. Get a good licensed therapist. I'm positive that there are kids at school who have it worse than me and desperately need someone to listen to them.

The thought of a new project was compelling to me and I felt a new surge of excitement.

"Hey." Draco's voice broke my thoughts and I looked up from the desk I was at.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Did you like your time here?"

I smiled. "Yea, it was so lovely, thank you immensely for having me! I actually really enjoyed the time I spent here."

"Dana, I can tell something is off. Is everything alright? I'm always here if you need to talk. Seriously."

How. How did he know? I felt exposed and vulnerable. I sat down on the edge of the bed and put my face in my hands. I felt a tear well in my eye and quickly wiped it away. I sat there in silence for a little bit, trying to find the words. He came and sat down next to me, putting his arm around me.

I took a deep breath. "I can feel myself slipping. Like I'm grabbing onto an edge and helpless, which I hate. I was doing so well too. I just feel no hope, happiness, joy, anything. Anytime I get any sort of thought, my mind counters with a deeply negative outlook on it. I feel like I can't enjoy anything anymore. And then I feel so guilty because there is no real reason for me to be sad, I just am. I don't know why. I just want to be happy again." I let out a sob and leaned into his chest. I can't stop the tears from coming. No matter how hard I tried. I hated crying but I can't help it now.

He rubbed my shoulder in comfort. "Dana, you are doing the best you can each and every day. And I am so proud of you for that. You get out of bed every morning, even if it takes 1 hour to build up confidence, you're doing it. And that's something to be proud of. You make it to the end of each day, whether it be with a smile or a grimace, you make it. And that's something to be proud of. Keep fighting."

I accepted his words in silence, not finding the capacity to respond. He swept the hair from my face, his fingers gently caressing my cheek. We sat in silence, wrapped in the shared sadness that quietly consumed us.

After a little while, I climbed into bed and tucked myself under the sheets. I felt Draco move next to me, crawling in next to me. He kissed my temple and put his arms around me. I felt safe and warm, something I had missed.

The moment we arrived back on Platform 9 ¾, I was swept up by the chaos and noise. The Manor was quiet and reserved, and being back in "the real world" was a harsh reality. I scanned the platform and saw familiar faces, and finally set sight on a red head family and one dark haired boy. The Weasley's and Harry. I smiled thinking about them.

"Draco, I think I'm going to sit with my friends on the ride there."

He made a disgusted face. "Why though?"

I stood there, confused. "Um, they're my friends? I just spent about 2 weeks alone with you. I want to catch up. See you at Hogwarts." I didn't let him get a response in and walked off. I guess his "Hogwarts persona" was back. Gone was the boy I knew, back was the bitchy annoying Draco. I can't stand him sometimes. Time away from him was probably a good idea.

"Dana! Over here poppet!" Molly shouted, waving me over. Her children's heads all turned towards me, smiling.

"She survives! You owe me George." Fred said. George groaned and handed over money to Fred, who looked jubilant.

"You bet on me?" I asked, laughing.

"Wouldn't be the first time either." Ron said, grinning back at me.

"Oh hurry up children, you'll miss the train. Now get going." Molly scolded.

We all headed off to the train, talking and laughing. We split up, the twins heading off to find their friend, Lee Jordan and Ginny finding her girlfriends.

I sat down with Ron, Harry, Hermione, Luna, and Neville. It felt easy and natural to be back with them. We all talked about our holidays and it sounded like they had a good time. Luna told us that she was starting a painting on her wall. She didn't tell us what the painting was going to be, but she sounded very excited about it.

I don't know what it quite was, but sitting across from Ron I felt so... different. It seems that he had grown even more handsome over holiday. I immediately felt a surge of guilt for thinking this. I had a boyfriend. I couldn't be thinking about things like this. But I had such a strange urge to just straddle him right there and kiss him.

"'Scuse me." I said suddenly. I stood up, awkwardly making my way out of the carriage. I had to catch my breath for a moment, I couldn't sit there one second longer. I walked to the bathroom car and locked myself in. I swallowed and ran my hands across my face. I didn't know what all these feelings meant.

I heard a soft knock on the door. "Dana? It's me, Hermione. Are you OK? Do you want me to come in?"

"Oh, I'm ok. I just felt a bit... claustrophobic. All good now." I washed my hands and unlocked the door.

"Dana..."

"I'm fine."

The welcome back feast was warmly welcoming but I just wanted to be alone. The common room was loud so I went to the room. Adelle was at her desk, rushing to complete homework that she had not done and I closed the door before she could see me. I didn't really feel like polite pleasantries right now.

I stood there with my hand on the doorknob for a moment, trying to think where to go. Room of Requirements? No. Some selfish part of me wanted someone to actually come find me and see me in this broken state. Maybe then I wouldn't have to address my problems upfront. That stupid Marauders Map was in Harry's room and I didn't know any secret passages. Astronomy tower it would have to be. I just prayed that no one had any last minute Astronomy homework to wrap up.

I fled the common room in a rush, desperation for quiet getting deeper. I raced along the corridors, hurrying towards the staircase. I flew up the staircase, and when I came out to the top, I let out a gasping breath. I felt the emotional breakdown coming. A quick scan found the tower empty. I said a silent thank you.

I gripped the railing around the edge of the tower, looking out over the grounds. The night was cloudy, so there weren't many stars out, but a couple bright ones adamantly shone through. They were like little beacons of hope in the sky, fading just like me. How fitting.

In my rush to leave, I had forgotten a jacket. I held myself against the biting Scottish cold. I let all of my emotions come to the surface. All my thoughts, sins, guilts.

Were things coming to an end with Draco and I? Why was I feeling like this? I tried to think of summer, which always cheered me up, but the thought of such an event so far in the future created rocks in my stomach instead. The future. Something I was so sure and certain about, now a formidable event that scared me. Where had I gone wrong?

I looked down, a thought of suicide flashing through my mind. I would never have to worry about my future again. I would be at peace. I smiled a sick content smile at that thought. I stepped away from the edge, scared that if I didn't, I would follow through. I sat down on the cold wood and brought my knees to my face. I wrapped my arms around my knees, sobbing.

I just wanted to feel ok again. I just wanted a hug. Someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that I'm going to be ok. I felt sorry for myself. Look at me. This student who was so destined for greatness. All my teachers had sworn I was going places. Now look where I was. Holding on by a thread, convincing myself life was worth it. Where had I gone? Was I ever coming back? Or had I doomed myself to walk this ill fated path for the rest of eternity?

I heard footsteps and my heart plummeted. Shit shit shit shit. I scrambled up, standing at the edge, with my back to the entrance. I desperately wiped my tears away, hoping that the darkness would conceal the tears. I took a shaky breath and willed myself to calm down.

"Dana-" Ron said. It was Ron. I don't know if that fact made me feel better or worse.

"Hey!" I tried to sound upbeat, and I hoped that it worked.

"I brought you a blanket, I noticed that you left without one."

I stayed stuck where I was, unable to move. I didn't want him to see me crying, but I was kind of fucked. I decided to just turn around. I slowly turned around, and he stood there, with his arms holding the blanket out towards me.

"Dana..? Are you okay?" At his words I burst into tears and he rushed over, wrapping me in an embrace. I hugged him back, sobbing into his shoulder. I missed the way he smelled, and the way he was so warm. It felt so nice to be hugged. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"If you want to listen."

"I always want to listen. You know that." He sat down on the floor, leaning against the railing and motioned for me to sit down. He wrapped the blanket around me and the warm blanket felt nice against my cool skin.

"Well, it's a lot. I just have this unending feeling of sadness. Even though there's so many good things in life. Even though I have a wonderful boyfriend, amazing friends, and honestly, an easy life. But this feeling just won't go away. And I think trying to run away from it made it worse. And when I try to think of my future, I can't. It's so fuzzy and gray, it's in black and white and that terrifies me.

"Somedays all I want to do is crawl into bed and never come out. I wish that I could feel happiness again. Not just moments of happiness, but happiness. And that's just kind of the basis of it all. Sorry if that was way too much or I don't know." I let out a small laugh.

Ron was silent for a minute, gathering his thoughts. "I think that you are the strongest person I've ever known. There is nothing that you can't do. And I'm so proud of you and how far you've come. I don't really know how to comfort people, but I'm going to try because I know how much you need it right now. You just have to keep going. Think of little things to keep you going. Minor goals. The major stuff can overwhelm you, so keep it simple. I think you just get so in your head sometimes."

I smiled. "Thank you Ron. That was good. Thank you for being here. I didn't really realize how much I just needed a friend right now. I've missed you."

"I've missed you more. Can we go back to being friends?"

"Of course." I gave him a genuine smile through the tears. He smiled back.

I knew things weren't going to become magically better, but at least I had my best friend back. At least there was that.

The next couple of weeks consisted of the same boring thing every day. The winter season was dull and boring, filled with dark days and heavy workloads. Especially in our OWL year, the teachers piled on homework like there was no tomorrow.

I spent most of the time in the library or the common room. My mental state stayed a plateau, neither improving, but thankfully, neither declining. I guess I should be grateful for that. Having Ron back was truly a life changer. He was the ray of sunshine in my bleak days, a bubbly, bright person, always ready to have a laugh.

Draco and I stayed the same, but he was just cold. I think that with the return of Ron, Draco could only be compared to the moon while Ron was the sun. I still loved him and I thoroughly enjoyed our time together but it was just different, like something shifted. He would often go silent, deep in thought or something else. In the rare moments that I did have free time, I was tired anyway.

I guess I could be called a pessimist, but I could feel something coming. All I could do was prepare myself for whatever winter storm was coming inside the castle.


End file.
